Sep 30, 2011

—The White Sox fielded a lineup of those Hugh Jackman boxing robots. (Jameson)

—Having exhausted his yearly supply of bats, Arizona Diamondbacks slugger Justin Upton hit 3 home runs using a northern pike. (Matt)

—Red Sox fans took their team's epic collapse in stride, reasoning that their city has had a great sports run over the last decade. (Mike)

—Did I see Evan Longoria make out with a police horse? (Brandon)

—Unable to cope with the fact that ex-girlfriend Alyssa Milano had found love elsewhere, the mustache of Twins' pitcher Carl Pavano committed hara-kiri in the dugout after the game. (Joe)

—I had an ingrown toenail that you WOULD NOT BELIEVE. (Tenessa)

—Netflix spun off three more companies, with their offerings yet to be determined, named CompuSurf, Hairwad, and Beepzoop. (Jameson)

—Katy Perry's boobs were unveiled as the official knockers of Major League Baseball. (Matt)

—An undergraduate student's uncle, who died right before the final last semester, suddenly died again the night before the first exam this semester. (Mike)

—A grand slam hit by San Diego's Max Venable was only credited for two runs because, ehh, it's the fuckin' Padres, you know? (Brandon)

—The MLB Players' Union went on strike from 7:00 to 10:00pm, and were temporarily replaced with locked-out NBA players. (Jameson)

—Seven Detriot Tigers fans were killed as the result of a deadly Miguel Cabrera gas leak. (Matt)

—A man holding a poster saying "ZERO TAXES" realized he drove to the rally on public streets with public traffic lights and public police protection and was educated to spell both "zero" and "taxes" correctly in a public school. (Mike)

—One a them crawdads in my fried seafood basket was actually TWO crawdads stuck together! (Jameson)

—Because no one was really paying much attention to the Oakland-Seattle game, A's pitcher Gio Gonzalez was able to get away with throwing a Rubik's Cube on one pitch. (Brandon)

—A shirtless Morgan Freeman sang the national anthem (uninvited) at Citi Field. (Jameson)

—This one baseball guy did some baseball stuff that was, like, WHOA, and all the baseball people were, like, "GO, BASEBALL!" (Tenessa)

—David Eckstein showed tremendous heart and grit while placing a dinner order at Sbarro. (Jameson)

—Two people showed up for the Florida Marlins game, setting a team attendance record for the month of September. (Matt)

—One of the rich douchebags seated behind home plate actually got off his damn cell phone for a few minutes. (Jameson)

—Rick Perry looked up the definition of "ponzi scheme" (Mike)

—Margaret Fielding, 45, of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, returned Battlefield Earth to the Redbox where she rented it, becoming the last person ever to watch it unironically. (Jameson)

—Somehow, in all the confusion and drama, the NL Wild Card was awarded to AMC's Mad Men. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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