Aug 19, 2011

During President Obama's recent three-day speaking trip across the Midwest, he traveled in a high-tech, heavily-armored luxury bus that was dubbed "Ground Force One." No reporters have been allowed to get a look inside yet, so we are left to make our best guesses as to what special features it has...

Special Features of Ground Force One

—Sweet Xbox 360 that actually controls predator drones in Waziristan. (Joe)

—Gas-free green design that allows it to run on the disappointment of those who voted for Obama. (Mike)

—A baccarat table and a wine cellar (the croupier and the sommelier represent the two jobs the U.S. economy added this month). (Jameson)

—An original oil painting of Alex Rodriguez spanking it to a picture of Coretta Scott King. (Matt)

—Keanu Reeves is always on hand, just in case any shit goes down like in that movie of his, The Lake House. (Brandon)

—A portable DVD player to keep David Axelrod from getting fussy in the backseat. (Tenessa)

—Kick-ass T-shirt cannon. (Joe)

—Untraceable phone that allows Obama to prank order ethnic take-out food to Rick Perry. (Mike)

—Ability to transform into a robot that writes really terrible Michael Bay movies. (Jameson)

—The nicest, most tastefully appointed glory hole you will ever see in your life. (Matt)

—Special glasses – like the ones "Rowdy" Roddy Piper had in They Live – that allow the wearer to pick out the "real Americans." (Joe)

—Weapons settings include Warn, Stun, Kill, and Glenn Beck (Mike)

—Engine runs on rich people's hard-earned wages while the tailpipe spews out food stamps and welfare checks. (Jameson)

—The Presidential toilet is lined with a picture of Mitch McConnell, with his open mouth serving as the exit hole. (Matt)

—Tuesday is Sloppy Joe night! (Brandon)

—State-of-the-art Gaydar. (Joe)

—A panic room for the times when Joe Biden tries to get on the bus. (Matt)

—Soundproof design still fails to completely shut out Michele Bachmann's voice, but they are working on it. (Mike)

—Not one, but TWO Snoopy Sno-Cone Machines! (Tenessa)

—Instead of water, all onboard faucets dispense delicious au jus sauce. (Brandon)

—The couch cushions have automatic air suction for those times when Obama is finally able to let out a fart, only to have a staffer suddenly walk into the room. (Matt)

—It's about 20% bigger than the other candidates' buses. (Not because it's black; because it's custom built for the Secret Service. Don't be crude.) (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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