POOP READING
Jul 22, 2011

Congress and The President have been in negotiations over what should be done about the U.S. debt ceiling and its overall deficit. A failure to solve this problem could cause the federal government to default on its financial obligations, a circumstance that many have speculated could lead to higher borrowing costs, bank failures, and panic in the markets. But the repercussions seem unlikely to stop there...

Things That Might Happen if the U.S. Fails to Solve Its Debt Ceiling Crisis

—To maintain their customary standard of living, J. Lo will be forced to marry Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Marc Anthony will have to marry Maria Shriver. (Mike)

—Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke's beard hair will fall out from stress, revealing the secret beard tattoo that's hidden underneath. (Brad)

—A gallon of gas will cost a gallon of blood. (Jameson)

—Instead of a Social Security check, senior citizens will be sent a signed photo of President Obama shrugging with his empty pockets turned inside out, and a small box of Charleston Chews. (Brandon)

—We'll have to melt the Liberty Bell to make more guns. MORE GUNS! (Tenessa)

—Public officials will have no choice but to start hiring cheaper, uglier prostitutes. (Joe)

—Somehow, in the chaos and panic that ensues, an ALF movie will be greenlit. (Mike)

—We might hit the even more catastrophic (but way sexier) glass debt ceiling. (Jameson)

—Most stores will be forced to start carrying off-brands like Cheeztoes and Dr. Plopper and Raisin Brun. (Brandon)

—It's only a matter of time until guillotines get involved. (Tenessa)

—Some Republican might get elected President in 2012 and then personally come to your town and shoot your grandma in the face!!! (Joe)

—There may not be enough money to make Transformers 4 ten times louder and more garish than Transformers 3, stifling a proud tradition. (Jameson)

—Once we default on our loan payments to China, the entire country will be forced to lay low in the Grand Canyon for a while. (Brandon)

—The British are coming! The British are coming! (Tenessa)

—The NFL owners and players who are going to deprive us of football because they can't figure out how to split up $9 billion will look like even bigger assholes than they do now. (Joe)

—Having fallen to the status of a third world nation, the U.S. will be eligible for billions in U.S. humanitarian aid. (Jameson)

—Amtrak to be replaced by old-timey handcars, most likely powered by old-timey hobos. (Brandon)

—Um... have you guys seen Soylent Green? (Tenessa)

—Captain America sequel will feature him turning tricks in the back alleys of Hong Kong for what he calls "a little deficit-payin' money." (Joe)

—Due to obscure provisions in the Constitution, Timothy Geithner will be replaced as Treasury Secretary by a wise old owl. (Jameson)

—Poor families will have no choice but to form human centipedes to save money on food. (Brandon)

—Well, nothing's going to happen to rich people's money, that's for sure. (Jameson)

—Two words: President Bachmann. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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