Jul 8, 2011

—Now includes the ability to register and maintain a Facebook account ironically. (Jameson)

—Now with more inane political commentary and pictures of children! (Mike)

—Upon request, will digitally remove boyfriends, husbands, and other family members from photos of female high school and college friends so you can masturbate to them more easily. (Joe)

—New option in FarmVille to go into "Plantation Mode" and utilize slave labor to increase crop yield and profit margins. (Brandon)

—Paid associates will be available 24/7 to talk to using the new Skype feature, since none of your Facebook friends would actually want you to call them. (Matt)

—They're bringing back the popular "throwing sheep" application, but this time the sheep are real, and Justin Timberlake will deliver them to your house in a flatbed truck. (Tenessa)

—Ability to "unfriend" people who aren't even on Facebook. Pilot case: Casey Anthony. (Jameson)

—Upcoming Sorkin app will allow video calling to include a "walk and talk". (Mike)

—Will not let that guy Brent, in the office down the hall, see any of your Facebook posts. Because screw Brent. (Joe)

—Honoring Facebook's commitment to privacy, one video chat per hour will be chosen at random for simulcast on the giant screen in Times Square. (Jameson)

—New BioTrack application will automatically update your status every time you go to the bathroom. (Tenessa)

—Rolling out "Facebook in Utero" for facebookers who haven't been born yet. (Jameson)

—New option to "like" something by simply posting a picture of your junk. (Brandon)

—If you want to join in the fun, there will be a page exclusively devoted to Mark Zuckerberg's Precious Moments collection. (Matt)

—From now on, when you "unfriend" someone, some goons will show up at their house and rough them up a little. (Jameson)

—You can totally show your boobs and stuff. (Tenessa)

—You can now set up an account for your imaginary friend. (Jameson)

—They still won't install a "dislike" button, but they did add a "meh" option. (Tenessa)

—Now 35% more Twitter-y and 10% less Foursquare-y, yet still 100% unnecessary! (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

• ARCHIVES
• May 2020
• May 2018
• April 2018
• Older

• CATEGORIES
• Baron von Funny
• Politics
• Pop Culture
• Society
• Sports
• Technology
• Other