Baron von Funny


Jul 29, 2011

After contentious negotiations and a four-month long lockout, the National Football League and its Players Association finally agreed to a new collective bargaining agreement this week, leading to many changes in the game's structure, both on and off the field...

Changes Being Made to Pro Football in the Wake of the New NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement

—To make games quicker, they'll be running across the fields the short way from now on. (Jameson)

—Footballs will now be replaced with Banquet brand Chicken Kievs. (Matt)

—Broncos offensive game plan will no longer evolve from week to week, as fundamentalist quarterback Tim Tebow does not believe in evolution. (Joe)

—To save money on jersey lettering and hopefully attract more fans, the Tennessee Titans will now be the Tennessee Tits. (Brandon)

—Players can now use an HSA to help pay for dental supplies like floss! (Tenessa)

—Referees will tweet all on-field penalties. (Mike)

—In an attempt to poach fans from NASCAR, anytime there's a hard hit, the players involved will burst into flames. (Jameson)

—Instead of a coin flip, the opening possession will now be determined by a poetry slam. (Matt)

—As a nod to the new collective bargaining agreement, NFL officials insist that Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco must change his name to "Chad Compensado Adecuadamente" (Chad Fairly Paid). (Joe)

—Finally going to develop some field-goal-kicking mules like the movies first promised 35 years ago. (Brandon)

—A 16 oz. Coca-Cola will now cost fans $25,000. (Mike)

—Each week, fans can vote for the torture method of their choice to be applied to the obnoxious Fox Sports Football Robot during that Sunday's broadcasts. (Jameson)

—League-wide day off to be moved from Tuesday to Monday, so nobody has to miss The Bachelorette. (Joe)

—Owners promise that diehard fans who go shirtless to outdoor games in winter just so they can paint their chest will no longer be ground into hot dog meat when they inevitably freeze to death at halftime. (Brandon)

—All beer commercials that air during games will be required to feature a minimum of 17 boobs. (Tenessa)

—For every time a player has his frontal lobe battered by a hard tackle, Roger Goodell will drink an absinthe-Everclear smoothie to eradicate the equivalent number of brain cells. (Jameson)

—Players from the Super Bowl Championship team will be given the choice of either a night with Gisele BŁndchen, or her husband Tom Brady. (Matt)

—Bengals linebacker Dhani Jones must start spelling his name "Danny." Because come on, dude. (Joe)

—In a baffling and inexplicable move, league has decided that footballs used during the game will be dangerously hot to the touch. (Brandon)

—New England head coach Bill Belichick required to sign two certifiably insane problem stars every year. (Mike)

—Once each season, every team's cheerleading squad will change places with its punting team for one play. (Jameson)

—Teams may go an extra $5 million over the salary cap to pay their "dreamiest" player (a provision pushed for mostly by the Jets and quarterback Mark Sanchez). (Joe)

—All of the boring white guys have been removed. Oh wait, that's part of the proposed new NBA agreement. (Matt)

—Every time a team has a safety scored against them, stadium jumbotron will play that sad trombone noise. (Brandon)

—Anybody who mentions Brett Favre is fucking fired. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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