POOP READING
Jun 3, 2011

The NBA Finals started this week, pitting the Dallas Mavericks against the Miami Heat, and many people are rooting against the Heat because of LeBron James's decision to leave Cleveland and join Miami in the offseason, and the perception that the Heat have bought their success by also signing Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. But those aren't the only reasons for all the haters...

Other Reasons People Hate the Miami Heat

—Juwan Howard's name keeps making everyone remember how horrible Juwanna Man was. (Brandon)

—It's not the Heat, it's the goddamn Miami Humidity! (Jameson)

—Because they cannot say with certitude whether or not that is a photo of the team's penises. (Tenessa)

—A nasty case of Udonis Haslem spread through parts of southern California last year, giving herpes to a bunch of dogs. (Mike)

—Whenever Dwyane Wade holds a postgame press conference, he always reveals the ending of the Goosebumps book he's just finished reading. (Matt)

—It's not really the organization's fault, per se, but whenever they show one of those terroristy countries on the news, everybody there kind of looks like former Heat star Rony Seikaly. (Joe)

—Assistant coach Bob McAdoo has always been a real prick about jokes that change his last name to MakeAdoo. (Brandon)

—Because they have a non-plural team name, in stark defiance of God's will. (Jameson)

—I hate everything with even the loosest ties to Gloria Estefan. (Tenessa)

—They don't have any players who paid a huge settlement to get out of a rape charge like a real champion would. (Mike)

—Xenophobes don't like the fact that Miami Heat is an anagram for "Me? I'm a Thai." (Brandon)

—Not Blake Griffiny enough! (Jameson)

—I caught a raging case of Miami Heat on spring break, and now I have to change my underwear three times a day. (Tenessa)

—In many cases, it's because Chris Bosh killed their mom. (Mike)

—LeBron James is constantly scoffing. C'mon down from your high horse, buddy. (Matt)

—People have made their peace with LeBron leaving Cleveland, but are still irate that Žydrūnas Ilgauskas turned his back on Lithuania. (Jameson)

—Owner Micky Arison, who is also CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines, is one of the world's leading proponents of mutual masturbation with dolphins. (Brandon)

—Not a one of those bastards has a Rue McClanahan tattoo. Show some fucking respect. (Mike)

—They made me root for Mark Cuban, dammit. Mark Cuban! (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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