May 6, 2011

After many, many years of hunting him down, this weekend the U.S. finally located and killed Osama bin Laden. And because he spent so much time on the run, bin Laden died with a lot of things still left on his life's to-do list...

Unfinished Items on Osama bin Laden's Bucket List

—Give those kids their soccer balls back. (Mike)

—Open a chain of Osama bin Laundries. (Matt)

—Get over to the Islamabad Laugh Hut and try out his "You know you're a jihadist if..." material. (Brandon)

—Use a baby seal to kill a human baby, then feed both to another human baby. (Tenessa)

—Play at least one bit part in a movie, so he could be featured in the "In Memoriam" montage at the Oscars. (Jameson)

—Release an album full of Toby Keith songs sung in Arabic, just to fuck with him. (Joe)

—After completely crushing the American spirit, he was really looking forward to a nice family vacation at Disneyland. (Sean)

—See Minnesota Twins pitcher Francisco Liriano throw a no-hitter. (Mike)

—Get roasted on Comedy Central. (Matt)

—Complete a Terrorist Triathlon (bombing a car, train, and plane in the same day). (Brandon)

—See a woman's ankles. (Tenessa)

—Finally check out that Madonna "Vogue" video everyone's been talking about. (Jameson)

—Design and sell "Homo-sama bin Laden" T-shirts to American rednecks, then fiendishly use proceeds to fund further terrorist operations. (Joe)

—Win The New Yorker's cartoon caption contest. (Mike)

—To kill Americans' hope the proper way: by winning a Congressional seat and then doing nothing for four years. (Matt)

—See if his résumé is finally filled with enough wanton, soulless cruelty to get him a job as a network TV executive. (Brandon)

—Release his 25-year-old stockpile of New Coke into America's convenience stores. (Tenessa)

—Shave his huge beard into a Hitler mustache, just to make history books more confusing. (Jameson)

—Invite his favorite band – Bananarama – to play a month-long holy event he was planning called "Bananaramadan." (Joe)

—Only got to #3 on his goal of re-enacting Egypt's biblical plagues. Who knew bulk frogs were so expensive? (Sean)

—Continue his secret funding of Justin Bieber's career. (Mike)

—Shake the hand of the only man who has done more to terrorize President Obama than bin Laden himself: Donald Trump. (Brandon)

—Travel to Cincinnati for a reunion with his evil twin, Gary bin Laden. (Jameson)

—Would have loved to have seen the Cubs win a World Series. Thanks a lot, Bartman. (Joe)

—Avoid dying in a hail of American bullets. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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