May 20, 2011

Several Christian groups believe that Saturday, May 21st will be the Rapture, a day when true believers are transported to heaven while non-believers are left behind to face the end of the world. Other religious groups question the accuracy of the date. And many more people doubt the concept altogether. But regardless of when or if it happens, here's why you won't be joining the Rapture...

Reasons You Won't Be Getting Raptured

—Too morbidly obese to properly ascend. (Brandon)

—You shoplifted all your Rapture supplies. (Jameson)

—You ate some unleavened bread once as a joke, but I don't hear Jesus laughing now. (Matt)

—Most people don't know about this, but there's a "Rapture/Don't Rapture" box you have to check when you apply for a driver's license. You probably didn't check it. (Joe)

—Constant, non-ironic use of jazz hands. (Brandon)

—You underpaid the guy you hired to kill all those hookers. (Jameson)

—You're 47, and you still make a smiley face with part of your signature. (Matt)

—You really thought all that surreptitious farting during church would never catch up with you? (Joe)

coughJew!cough (Jameson)

—OMG, u haven't heard? God h8s ur abbreviations 2. :( (Matt)

—Steadfast refusal to believe in Jesus... Hernandez, that guy down the street who keeps saying he was abducted by a UFO. (Brandon)

—Your special Rapture cupcakes and bedazzled Rapture jumpsuit. Trying too hard, man. (Jameson)

—On several occasions you've made love to a box of townhouse crackers. (Matt)

—You spent the last 20 years banging your ugly maid instead of reading the Bible. (Joe)

—The number one trait on your eHarmony profile: unrapturable. (Matt)

—You just had to make Outsourced a Season Pass on your TiVo, didn't you? (Brandon)

—During communion, you unknowingly ate the wafer representing the penis part of Christ's body, and while spitting would have been disrespectful, swallowing made you gay. (Matt)

—Used your dessert fork for the appetizer course; heaven is no place for the gauche. (Joe)

—Your pontiff scat fetish site poprophilia.net. (Jameson)

—You secretly hoped Drago would win in Rocky IV. (Matt)

—Because no one else is either. But at least you'll get to enjoy watching your pompous neighbor sheepishly take down his "Suck it, Philistines, I'm Outta Here!" banner on Sunday morning, right? (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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