POOP READING
Mar 4, 2011

A recent study released by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 34% of Americans were obese, while Canadians had a lower rate of 24%. The two countries have many things in common, so what's the explanation for the difference?

Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians

—It's easier to freeze your ass off in Canada. (Mike)

—This is what happens when you switch to a gravy-based economy. (Brandon)

—Look at their bacon, now look at our bacon. See the difference? (Sean)

—Canada doesn't have a "the South." (Joe)

—In Canada, the term "breastfeeding" refers to human lactation. In America, it means eating sirloin and pie off a prostitute's chest. (Tenessa)

—We like to think of ourselves as the fatty white stuff in the middle of the North American Oreo. Also, we like to eat Oreos while making that analogy. (Matt)

—When you're not paying for your annual physical out of your own pocket, there's a better chance of hearing a doctor say, "Whoa, tubby... ease up there," at least once a year. (Jameson)

—It'll be a cold day in hell before we come in second to those Canuck bastards! USA! USA! USA! (Brad)

—In defiance of all scientific evidence and logical reasoning, it seems like poutine must be good for you. (Joe)

—Canadians don't misunderstand Slim Jims to be a diet food. (Tenessa)

—It's because they're weighed in kilograms, right? Right?? (Matt)

—Fat Canadian babies are almost immediately devoured by bears. (Joe)

—Stronger gravitational pull closer to the equator causes fat to settle in the lower latitudes. (Jameson)

—We've made far more scientific advances in the field of stuffing food inside of other food. (Brandon)

—We actually aren't any fatter; their maple leaf flag is simply slimming, whereas our horizontal red-and-white stripes do us no favors. (Joe)

—Hmm... I'm gonna need another 2/3-pound Monster Thickburger from Hardee's before I can answer that question. (Brad)

—I blame the Minnesota State Fair. (Tenessa)

—Their beer is so shitty that no one could possibly get fat off of it. (Joe)

—After seeing how great the outdoor life is in Vancouver during the 2010 Olympic Games, most of the remaining skinny Americans left for British Columbia. (Matt)

—Until you've federally trademarked a term like "wyngz" for "chicken wings that aren't made from chicken wings," you haven't really committed to fattening up your populace. (Jameson)

—The average Canadian burns an extra 5,000 calories a week dodging hockey goons. (Joe)

—Wanting to be as American as apple pie, most Americans consume 3 to 4 apples, a couple sticks of butter, a fistful of sugar and a sack of flour every day in hopes of simply becoming an apple pie. (Matt)

—Our "healthy people" ranks got a tad thinned out back when we were busy saving everyone's ass during two World Wars. You're welcome. No, it's all right, Canada. Don't get up. We've got this. (Joe)

—I'm not saying it's Obama's fault, but... isn't everything? (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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