Feb 11, 2011

Actor Charlie Sheen has been in rehab after a couple of well-publicized incidents involving drugs and alcohol, and early reports indicate his time there was been well-spent...

Things Charlie Sheen Has Learned in Rehab

—That Gary Busey is quite a character! (Tenessa)

—How to quantify cocaine in increments smaller than "a suitcase." (Jameson)

—According to the guys he's met who have been there, "two and a half men" means a whole other thing in prison. (Matt)

—If he were to come up with an additional half-man and a baby, he could have a hit movie in addition to a hit TV show. (Joe)

—Hanging around with slutty UCLA coeds is a socially acceptable substitute for hanging around with porn stars. (Brandon)

—Anal cavity searches are surprisingly unpleasant when you aren't allowed to pick who does it. (Mike)

—Gravy has no medicinal properties. (Tenessa)

—When you don't spend ten hours a week on a TV show set with Conchata Ferrell, it's a lot easier not to need to look at porn stars and hookers every day to balance things out. (Jameson)

—Lindsey Lohan's pee is the purest methamphetamine on the market right now. (Matt)

—Just because he dunks his penis into a glass of scotch and makes slurping noises doesn't mean it's actually drinking the scotch. (Brandon)

—You haven't really hit rock bottom until you've made Harry Dean Stanton ashamed of you. (Wolverines!!) (Jameson)

—Even prostitutes feel dirty doing it in the back seat of a '89 Buick Skylark. (Matt)

—There were reports that he was learning to speak Klingon, but that was just his usual angry, drunken slurring. (Tenessa)

—Substance abuse may do long-term liver and kidney damage, but an awards show barb from Ricky Gervais is something that never goes away. (Jameson)

—You'd have to freebase three crushed-up bowls of Special K cereal to equal the nutritional high of just one line of whole grain Total. (Matt)

—Found out that he never actually pitched for the Cleveland Indians; that was just a movie. (Joe)

—If it goes in your mouth, your life will go south; if it goes in your nose, your problem only grows; if it goes up your butt, well, no one's probably going to know, and people aren't going to want to ask a lot of questions, so just, uh, just... good luck with that whole thing. (Brandon)

—While he is powerless over drugs and alcohol, rehab is powerless over him. (Mike)

—"Getting a family pet" isn't a euphemism for taking the wife and kids to a brothel. (Matt)

—Most of the people he's met became addicted to heroin while trying to make Two and a Half Men seem watchable. (Jameson)

—If he doesn't stop doing what he's doing to his body, he'll wind up looking like Jacki Weaver. (Brandon)

—One more rehab stint and his next one is free! (Mike)

—How to wait eight or ten weeks before appearing in the public eye so something else will take focus and he can go back to spending his obscene sitcom salary on coke and whores. (Which is the definition of "rehab" in any context where your trip to rehab comes with a press release.) (Jameson)

—Not a damn thing. (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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