Jan 14, 2011

Every year, come January 1st, people make promises to change their ways, and every year, shortly after that, most of them backslide into old habits...

New Year's Resolutions That You've Already Broken

—Not obsessing so much about Facebo– oh my god, a friend request! (Matt)

—To call out your wife's name instead of your own during sex. (Mike)

—To stop getting tricked by the titles of pawn shop reality shows like Pawn Stars and Hardcore Pawn, and, in the event that you do get tricked, to stop masturbating to them anyway. (Brandon)

—Not looking at your boss' boobs. Not looking at your boss' boobs. Not looking at your boss' boobs... shit! (Matt)

—To always wear pants while driving. (Joe)

—To watch the NBC Nightly News with your children every night without bringing up your long-standing contention that Brian Williams once date raped your cat. (Jameson)

—To stop blaming the media when you say something stupid (Sarah Palin only). (Mike)

—To finish at least one meal in a restaurant without barging into the kitchen and announcing, "That's not how Angelo would do it on Top Chef!" (Joe)

—No more crying during the Magnum, P.I. monologues you deliver to the mirror each morning before work. (Matt)

—To stop making inappropriate references to the untimely and tragic death of Gary Coleman while teaching your Sunday School class. (Mike)

—Alex Trebek doesn't need 17 fan letters a week. Keep it to 16 at the most. (Joe)

—To stop calling your husband's frumpy penis his "Tom Bosley" as a show of respect to Bosley's recent death. (Matt)

—To no longer tell your wife "I cleaned the knives" when all you really did was lick the peanut butter off of them. (Mike)

—Pooping only in toilets. (Matt)

—To restrict your usage of the word "literally" in conjunction with the phrase "I've got a monkey on my back" only to those five times each year that you wake up naked in the zoo and need to dial 911. (Brandon)

—To stop caring so much about the Minnesota Vikings, those goddamn miserable bastards. (Joe)

—To quit smoking shredded issues of Newsweek, even though they are cheaper than cigarettes. (Matt)

—To stop calling it "the Twitter." (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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