Jan 7, 2011

With Father Time having once again passed the baton to Baby New Year, we take a moment to remember the year gone by...

Memorable Moments from 2010 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Bristol Palin wins ABC's Dancing with the Stars, proving once and for all that her mother would make an excellent president. (Jameson)

—Declaring that he was simply "correcting a horrible oversight," Paul McCartney reissues every album in The Beatles catalog with a vuvuzela track added to each song. (Brandon)

—NBC's newest comedy, Jay Leno: Muted, becomes an instant success. (Matt)

—Rescued Chilean miners see one episode of Jersey Shore and ask to be lowered back down into the collapsed mine shaft. (Tenessa)

—In an effort to prove once and for all that he never texted photos of his genitalia to former Jets employee Jenn Sterger, Vikings quarterback Brett Favre plays an entire game completely bottomless. (Joe)

—The Pentagon spends a year asking soldiers whether it would be a big deal if that guy in the unit who everyone knows is gay told people he's gay. Congress voted on it, so now the Pentagon will spend a year figuring out the best way for that guy to say he's gay. (Jameson)

—Apple introduces the iMedium, an amazing new handheld computer that lets you video chat with the deceased. But within three days of its release, it becomes clear that the majority of people who purchase it are simply using it to have virtual sex with famous historical figures. (Brandon)

—Due to its ever-increasing size and curvature, Kim Kardashian's ass is annexed as a new U.S. territory, with congressional representation beginning in 2011. (Matt)

—The Republican takeover of the House of Representatives ushers in a new era of bipartisan cooperation and mutual trust. (Joe)

—Automated home foreclosures reach such a frenzied rate that often three or four families are asked to show up at the closing for a new home, so that the title can be transferred, foreclosed, and transferred down the line all in one sitting. (Jameson)

—With the retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens, Congress decides to handle the choosing of his replacement through telephone and text voting, leading to the appointment of Supreme Court Justice Gaga. (Brandon)

—Presidential Order 14480 quietly replaces Senate and House Minority Leaders Mitch McConnell and John Boehner with Sasha and Malia Obama. (Matt)

—The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announces that, since the shake-up in last year's Best Picture category was such a hit, they'll be adding a Best Girl-on-Girl Action category for the 2011 Oscars. (Jameson)

—Time Magazine's Person of the Year? Snooki. (Joe)

—A massive spill of marine wildlife contaminates millions of gallons of valuable oil in the Gulf of Mexico. (Jameson)

—Eager to capitalize on the success of its Craisins dried cranberry snacks and the universal appeal of apples, Ocean Spray releases the unfortunately named Crapples mixed fruit clumps to little fanfare. (Matt)

—President Obama is pilloried by his supporters for only achieving about three-quarters of his campaign promises during his first two years in office. Meanwhile, his detractors excoriate him for having the audacity to ram through as many as 75% of his policy objectives. (Jameson)

—NASA announces the discovery of a new arsenic-based life form in California. Its name? Mel Gibson. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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