POOP READING
Nov 5, 2010

In the mid-term elections this week, Republicans gained 60 seats in the House of Representatives, the biggest surge in the House since 1948, and a reflection of voter unhappiness with the economy and a Democratic Party that has been in power for the last two years. So where do the Democrats go from here?

Ways the Democrats Plan to Win Back the American Public

—Get "Boehnerized" with mandatory tanning sessions. (Brad)

—Promote their pro-masturbation agenda (hey, it worked in Delaware!). (Mike)

—With reasoned arguments, milquetoast personalities, and the promise of intellectual tolerance. (Snicker.) (Tenessa)

—Sausage fest! (Whether that fest will be literal or figurative will be decided on a district-by-district basis.) (Brandon)

—67% more hope, but 24% less change. (Joe)

—Filibuster the McRib. (Jameson)

—They'll promise to replace the water in the Mississippi River with flowing streams of melted cheese. (Tenessa)

—Not by letting us smoke some pot, that's for damn sure. Thanks for nothing, California! (Joe)

—New House Minority Whip will be that dude from The Mentalist. (Brandon)

—Outlaw unsoliciited invitations from your "friends" to join inane facebook groups. (Mike)

—They could try not stepping on their own dicks once in a while. That might work. (Tenessa)

—Barney Frank will do anything to earn your vote. Anything. (Joe)

—Put the cable back in C-SPAN by using more adult language, creating more adult situations, and making sure there's plenty of brief nudity and graphic violence. (Brandon)

—Put midterm elections on a six-month cycle, delighting lonely shut-ins who've grown fond of the incessant campaign robocalls. (Jameson)

—Drinking up, coking up, and whoring up, because it seems to be working just fine for Charlie Sheen. (Brandon)

—Whenever a TV show started to suck in the 80s, they added a cute kid. Surely they can make better use of Sasha and Malia Obama. (Tenessa)

—Have Jon Stewart and Maureen Dowd continue to tell people how stupid they are for voting Republican. That's been working like a charm. (Joe)

—Take the popularity of former President Franklin D. Roosevelt and the public's love of zombies to its natural progression: Zombie FDR for President in 2012! (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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