Nov 19, 2010

There has been a growing public outcry over invasive security procedures at airports, which now include full body scans and more aggressive pat-downs. But word out of the Transportation Security Administration is that these measures are only the beginning...

Additional Airport Security Measures Being Planned by the TSA

—If you head to the bathroom less than 30 minutes before your flight is scheduled to take off, the TSA is gonna have to watch you poop. (Mike)

—Every 17th passenger will be crucified as an example to others. (Matt)

—It might not help, but a "No Terrorists" sign posted above the entrance to every jetway can't really hurt either. (Joe)

—Any time a security breach is detected and a TSA checkpoint suspects a passenger may have brought contraband onto a plane that's already in flight, that plane will be immediately crashed into a building. (Jameson)

—When checking your ID, screeners will mutter "Osama says what?" really fast. Piece of advice – don't say "What?" (Mike)

—Full body scans to be replaced by posing nude for caricature artists, just to give the process a more fun, lighthearted tone. (Brandon)

—Centrifuging passengers down to their constituent molecular parts and flying them to their destination as a thick paste or slurry. (Jameson)

—Men with fusty penises will not be allowed on flights, because, well, no one likes fusty penises. (Matt)

—Bomb-sniffing dogs to be replaced by unclean and impure bomb-sniffing swine. Your move, Achmed! (Joe)

—Passengers will now have to take a drink or bite of every liquid, gel, article of clothing, magazine, writing utensil, newspaper, laptop, cell phone, and carry-on bag to demonstrate that they are not poisonous or explosive. (Mike)

—Assigning a TSA employee to every American to watch them 24 hours a day whenever they're not on a plane, to make sure they're not "doing anything fishy." (Jameson)

—To preserve a modicum of privacy and dignity, all cavity searches will now be conducted through a glory hole. (Brandon)

—Passengers will now pay a $1.5 million "terrorism surcharge" on each ticket, refundable after safely arriving at their destination, to discourage them from getting bomby during the flight. (Jameson)

—People who are ignorant of the "put your liquids in a baggie rule" and hold up the line because of it will now be chimp-slapped. (Mike)

—Planes will be strapped to the back of flatbed trucks and driven across the country to minimize the risk of midair catastrophe. (Jameson)

—Due to the sharp nature of brassiere underwires, all female passengers will be required to remove their bras, after which their shirts will be doused with a specially-designed "security spray." (Matt)

—Mandatory screenings of Jersey Shore before every flight, in hopes of deterring potential terrorists by demonstrating that the United States is already well on its way to destroying itself from within. (Joe)

—When they're not busy patting down ticketed passengers, TSA agents will pat each other down, just to be safe. (Jameson)

—Will discontinue the awarding of "Size Doesn't Matter" stickers to certain men who pass through the full body scans. (Mike)

—Seeing as how they're universally considered to be "Da' Bomb", Hot Pockets will no longer be allowed on planes. (Matt)

—Grounding all air transportation. From now on, passengers will buy plane tickets, arrive at the airport three hours early, be photographed, X-rayed, fondled, strip-searched, waterboarded, and then sent home. (Jameson)

—Threat level to be permanently placed at "Overreacting." (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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