Oct 22, 2010

Barnes & Noble, struggling amidst news of shareholder infighting and potential bankruptcy, recently added a new Teen Paranormal Romance section to its stores in hopes of cashing in on the craze of Twilight fans and the many knockoffs designed to appeal to them. But the changes to B&N stores won't stop there...

Additional Changes Being Made to Barnes & Noble Stores

—Anytime you open a book, it will instantly be read aloud to you by a roving, coked-up James Woods. (Brandon)

—Goodbye in-store Starbucks, hello in-store Hooters! (Sean)

—Paleontology, the study of prehistoric life, will be replaced with Palintology, the study of contemporary dipshits. (Mike)

—"History" section to be abolished, because how do you know? Were you there? (Joe)

—Interactive computers let you read the books for free on a screen instead of reading them for free on those comfortable couches. (Tenessa)

—Strippers. How often do you hear "strippers" and "went bankrupt" in the same sentence? (Jameson)

—Half of all books will now be those hollowed-out scotch bottle holders. (Matt)

—Entire new section consisting solely of books Stephen King dictated while writing other books. (Brandon)

—Now that everyone has been freed, they are scrapping plans to build a new franchise inside the Chilean mine. (Mike)

—Will now carry the disturbing new magazine Parent Porn. (SO many stretch marks.) (Tenessa)

—As stipulated in a recent settlement with the estate of Charles Barnes, several stores will be renamed Barnes & Noble Was a Real Sonuvabitch. (Brandon)

—Coffee and scones to be laced with heroin, to ensure repeat business. (Mike)

—New classics will be emphasized, including Porky's: The Book, That's Not What My Vagina Says, and The Girl Who Played Parcheesi. (Matt)

—Will begin shelving Cat Fancy, Female Bodybuilder, and the Kids' Jumble inexplicably close together as a courtesy for guys who like to jerk off to those three periodicals simultaneously. (Jameson)

—New room where you can watch a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters in an attempt to recreate the works of William Shatner. (Brandon)

—Peppered with books about Tiger Woods, David Letterman, and Jesse James, the Current Affairs section now means something entirely different. (Mike)

—Every store will be cleared down to a solitary computer bookmarked to amazon.com. (Matt)

—Most books will now include gratuitous photos of Brett Favre's cock. (Brandon)

—Magazine section to be moved right inside the men's restroom, just to make it that much easier on everybody. (Joe)

—Every Friday night, will hold special "Midnight Reading" events with black lights and loud disco music. (Jameson)

—Adding new "British" music section in the hope of cashing in on hot new bands like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. Really B&N? NOW is the time you're trying to hook Twilight fans? How about, oh I don't know, WHEN THE FREAKIN' BOOKS WERE COMING OUT?!!! (Sean)

—Customers will receive a free digital copy of everything they buy, including pastries. What?? (Brandon)

—Less Barnes, more Noble. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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