POOP READING
Sep 10, 2010

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report showing that after 40 years of decline, the smoking rate in the U.S. has stabilized over the last five years, with 21% of Americans still lighting up on a regular basis. If lung cancer, heart disease, tobacco taxes, and public smoking bans won't get them to stop, it may be time to take more drastic measures...

New Ways to Get Americans to Quit Smoking

—Suggest they start smoking Qur'ans instead. (Matt)

—Pass new law requiring all cigarettes to smell and taste like John Goodman's ass. (Brandon)

—Arsenic-laced filters – 21% of Americans will quit within a week! (Jameson)

—In England, cigarettes are called "fags;" I feel like we could do something with that. (Joe)

—Make heroin legal. (Mike)

—Offer a tasty new alternative called the "Tar Bar" that delivers 80% of the chemicals with only 90% of the cancer! (Tenessa)

—Every cigarette will now look like a hairy, flaccid penis. (Matt)

—Play up the fact that Obama smokes; that'll make at least 60% of Americans want nothing to do with it. (Joe)

—Every 100th pack will now have special IED packaging. (Matt)

—Make the sale of all cigarettes contingent upon first reading a book not written by a celebrity. (Brandon)

—Encourage Hollywood to popularize carnival-style face painting as a sexy, post-copulation alternative. (Matt)

—If we could just find some other way for people to get stained teeth, acrid hair, and foul-smelling clothes, then there'd be no need to smoke. (Jameson)

—Make all cigarettes black licorice flavor. (Matt)

—Don't ban smoking by characters in movies; encourage smoking by characters in shitty movies. (Joe)

—When you see someone smoking in public, you'll now have the right to punch them in the crotch. (Matt)

—New Marlboro Man? Osama bin Laden. (Mike)

—Up the ante and just fill the things with cancer to begin with. (Matt)

—Have New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan "keister" one out of every ten thousand cigarettes before they are put into packs. It's only one in ten thousand, sure... but do you know anybody who's going to play those odds? (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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