Aug 13, 2010

JetBlue made headlines this week when one of its flight attendants, Steven Slater, got into a verbal altercation with a passenger, berated the passenger with foul language over the plane's intercom, activated the emergency inflatable slide, grabbed a couple beers, and slid down to the JFK tarmac before running off to his car. Clearly there are some issues amongst the airline's staff...

Ways JetBlue Plans to Improve Employee Morale

—All aircraft will be replaced with inflatable slides. (Jameson)

—By reminding them that they could be working for BP. (Mike)

—Cabin air pressure will be lowered just enough to cause passengers to lose consciousness so crew can have completely peaceful flights. (Brad)

—Employees will no longer be asked to fly on airplanes, as that's clearly enough to destroy anyone's morale. (Brandon)

—Weekly screenings of Soul Plane and View From the Top, just to remind Jet Blue workers that while their jobs may suck, they don't suck nearly as bad as movies about their job. (Joe)

—By using the only strategy any company has ever identified to improve employee morale: a dozen donuts. (Tenessa)

—In a joint promotional effort with Island Records, one lucky employee will get to be Justin Bieber's "first." (Mike)

—Allow the flight attendants to work drunk, like the pilots do. (Jameson)

—The "Mile High Club" will make a quick transition from unofficial to official. And then, soon, to mandatory. (Joe)

—Changing the in-flight entertainment from an intermittent loop of Golden Girls to a continuous loop of Golden Girls. (Mike)

—Just seal the overhead bins permanently shut. No arguments over baggage space, no morale problem! (Jameson)

—Will soon allow flight attendants to draw cocks on the faces of passengers who fall asleep. (Joe)

—Hookers and blow. Duh. (Tenessa)

—Rides on the Emergency Slide will not count against vacation time. (Mike)

—Add a surcharge if customers want to speak to flight attendants during their trip. (Jameson)

—Each crew member will now get one discretionary "mickey slip" per flight. (Brandon)

—Unauthorized deployment of emergency slide will still result in immediate termination, but pilots and flight crew will now be allowed – even encouraged – to shout "WheeeeeEEEEEEE!" as they exit the plane and proceed down the jetway in a calm, orderly fashion. (Joe)

—Once a month, employees will get to divert the luggage of the passenger of their choice to Yemen. (Mike)

—Stop sealing employees in close quarters with unfed, irate customers who've been delayed, frisked, and nickeled-and-dimed to the breaking point. (Jameson)

—They're naming Steven Slater CEO of the company. Checkmate, whimsical darling of the American public! (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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