Jul 16, 2010

Last week, the U.S. Government sent 10 Russian spies back to their home country in a prisoner exchange. The spies had apparently been carrying out long-term, deep-cover assignments in America on behalf of the Russian Federation, and during their time here, they uncovered a remarkable number of secrets...

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

—The whereabouts of the secret and long-rumored "Steinbrenner Kill Switch." (Jameson)

—Obama is a puppet. Betty White is definitely calling the shots over here. (Tenessa)

—There are virtually no consequences whatsoever to squeezing the Charmin. (Joe)

—It wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald's bullet that partially decapitated JFK, it was the mind-blowing handjob he'd just gotten from Jackie O. (Matt)

—The 11th herb and spice in the Colonel's Secret Recipe? Urine. (Mike)

—Former Vice President Walter Mondale has an eight-pound cock. (Brandon)

—"E pluribus unum" isn't Latin; it's just something Thomas Jefferson once mumbled in a drunken stupor. (Tenessa)

—Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. (Joe)

—Kerri Strug was faking! FAKING! (Matt)

—Many of the things that Glenn Beck claims to be true are, upon investigation, not true at all. (Mike)

—In Soviet Russia... tyrannical socialist government spies on you! (Jameson)

—Bruce Springsteen? Born in Paraguay. (Matt)

—Betsy Ross was a total skank. (Tenessa)

—Moon landing? Fake. Jacko's nose? Real. (Joe)

—Neither Diet Coke nor Coca-Cola Classic contain cocaine, but 7UP is full of the stuff. (Mike)

—Okay, okay, there's no way Rocky could have defeated Ivan Drago. (Matt)

—If you build it, they will come, and given time and opportunity, they will eventually try to have sex inside of it. (Brandon)

—Thanks to primitive yet convincing special effects and a nationwide media conspiracy, the foolish Americans actually believe that their country won the 1980 Olympic ice hockey gold medal. (Joe)

—Cow pies are not in fact pies at all. (Matt)

—Moose and Squirrel are hiding secret veapon in International Falls, Minnesota. (Tenessa)

—No one really wishes they were an Oscar Mayer weiner. (Matt)

—McDonald's "secret sauce?" Still secret. Close but no cigar, you commie sons of bitches! (Joe)

—Americans don't care about Russia anymore. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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