POOP READING
Jun 4, 2010

It was recently announced that Mark Twain's autobiography will be published later this year. The memoir, which has been locked in a University of California vault for a century at Twain's request, reportedly contains some shocking admissions, including a section about a scandalous relationship with a secretary who once bought him an electric vibrating sex toy. But the unexpected revelations don't stop there...

Surprises Found in Mark Twain's Forthcoming Autobiography

—His favorite pastime? Punching horses in the crotch. (Brandon)

—Original draft of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn had Huck and Jim "experiment" while floating down the Mississippi. (Mike)

—An entire chapter devoted to Twain's step-by-step tips for wooing, seducing, and satisfying a plus-sized woman. (Jameson)

—A lot more of the "n" word than you'd expect. And you'd expect a lot of it, is the thing. (Joe)

—He foresaw and felt just terrible about the existence of Shania Twain. (Tenessa)

—Once spent a year in the Nevada territory supporting himself by offering "mustache rides" to lonely miners. (Joe)

—Twain has actually roamed the Earth undead all along, biding his time, ready to sue the publishers for breach of contract if they released his book too soon. (Jameson)

—All of Twain's books were actually written by William Shakespeare. (Mike)

—Pithy 140-character epilogue now widely considered to have been the first-ever "tweet." (Joe)

—The Adventures of Tom Sawyer was originally a teen romance about hunky vampires. (Tenessa)

—Out of nowhere, a 7,500-word discursus on sausage. (Jameson)

—Think of the most messed-up thing you've ever seen on the internet, sex-wise. Well, thanks to Twain, we now know that they had it back then, too. They might have called it something else, but they most certainly had it. (Joe)

—Preface of the book is merely, word-for-word, the lyrics to the Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps." (Brandon)

—Even though he died a century before it happened, Twain wrote that even he could plainly see that Jason Donald was out at first base at the end of that perfect game. (Joe)

—He secretly owned several slaves, many of whom worked exclusively on the upkeep of his mustache. (Tenessa)

—Huckleberry Finn was a nickname given to Twain's genitals by several of his companions, who bet him he'd never pen a book by the same name. (Jameson)

—Henry Ford once told Twain that he invented the automobile just so he'd have a place to get laid without being hassled by his folks. (Joe)

—As a boy, he once got a piggyback ride from Edgar Allan Poe. He reports Poe "reeked of gin." (Jameson)

—Made love to every U.S. President from Garfield through Taft. (Joe)

—His pen name doesn't have anything to do with "two fathoms." It's just a nickname he picked up from a kid with a rhotacistic speech impediment who happened to love railroads. (Tenessa)

—Following the team's 1907 and 1908 titles, Twain expressed his profound satisfaction that nobody would have to die without seeing the Cubs win a World Series. (Joe)

—Not only did he come into and out of the world with Halley's Comet, he also came into and out of the world while taking a massive shit. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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