POOP READING
Jun 18, 2010

The vuvuzela, a simple plastic blowing horn that creates a loud, buzzing sound, has been making headlines this week for its annoying and controversial presence during the 2010 FIFA World Cup games in South Africa. The vuvuzela has been a staple of soccer fandom in South Africa for many years, and now that the rest of world has gotten a taste of it, you can bet that its popularity will soon explode...

Other Uses for the Vuvuzela

—Announcing your intention to mate to your spouse or significant other. (Brandon)

—Creating the loudest vibrato curse word ever. (Matt)

—Use it to jab your eyes out, so you don't have to watch any more soccer. (Joe)

—One has been hosting The Glenn Beck Show on FOX News for months now, and no one seems to have noticed. (Mike)

—You ever have one of those days when a kazoo feels too formal, but blowing a piece of wax paper stretched over a comb feels too gauche? (Jameson)

—Can't . . . type . . . ears . . . bleeding . . . (Tenessa)

—Amplifying another vuvuzela. (Matt)

—Let's just say that in the right orifice, blowing into the mouthpiece gives extra vuvu to your zela. (Mike)

—Playing them for hours in packed stadiums is an excellent way to spread airborne pathogens, if you have any need for that type of thing. (Jameson)

—Presumably DreamWorks is already marketing them in pairs as musical Shrek ears. (Tenessa)

—Looks like your long-standing feud with your neighbor is about to get taken up a notch. (Brandon)

—All right, I'm going to say what we're all thinking: pee funnel. (Joe)

—Music for soccer funerals. (Matt)

—A nice way to get your racist friend ranting about Africans again. (Jameson)

—I keep one in my lady business. For my money, it's the most effective rape whistle on the market. (Tenessa)

—If every vuvuzela was focused onto the Gulf Coast, the oil leak would become so annoyed that it would stop of its own accord. (Mike)

—Taking water cooler buzz to a new, more literal level. (Matt)

—It's exactly like an iPod, except it's less portable, it only plays one song, and that song is much, much more obnoxious (unless the iPod has Creed on it). (Jameson)

—Crush two vuvuzelas on a bed of spring greens lightly dressed in balsamic vinegar and honey. Then throw that shit in the garbage. (Tenessa)

—Gives your wife an idea of what you hear when she's nagging you. (Mike)

—Rumor has it that Conan O'Brien's new TBS late night band will be all-vuvuzela. (Brandon)

—Use it as a bat against Washington Nationals phenom Stephen Strasburg. You're not going to hit him anyway; you may as well have a little fun while you're up there. (Joe)

—Performing family Africanized Honey Bee preparedness drills. (Matt)

—Seventeen magazine calls it a "hot new accessory for a cool summer." To be fair, they call everything that. (Tenessa)

—Please don't Google this, because you know it exists and you know you don't want to know about it, but: vuvuzela porn. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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