POOP READING
May 28, 2010

As May comes to a close, the majority of the major television network shows have ended their run of new episodes, and will not return until the fall. And so with summer comes the annual question for TV lovers: What do I do now?

Ways to Fill the Void During the Summer TV Hiatus

—Tune in to Leno, where the witty stream of Headlines and Jaywalking never gets old! (Jameson)

—How 'bout a run, tubby? (Mike)

—The Facts of Life + Hulu + Jergens = Problem solved! (Matt)

—Remove Cheetos stains from hands, clothing, upholstery, carpet, children, and pets. (Brad)

—It's been my experience that most human beings give up on the concept of hibernating without even giving it a genuine try. (Joe)

—Read a boo– ahahahahahahaaaaa, oh man, I almost pulled it off. Whew. Good times. (Brandon)

—Think up new ways to fail at stopping the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. (Tenessa)

—If the end of the TV season has you feeling down and you'd like to spend some time alone, go to a prime-time screening of MacGruber. (Mike)

—Commit a crime that carries a three month sentence. (Matt)

—Create your own CSI: Miami with some friends from school, a truckload of cadavers from the local morgue, and a crate of thrift store sunglasses. (Jameson)

—Wean yourself off of wearing Depends every night. (Brad)

—The very fact that we're even discussing this topic seems to suggest that there isn't such a thing as porn, when we all know well and good that there actually is. (Joe)

—Publish an online zine of vegan grilling recipes. Then, when you have the dirty hippies right where you want them... BAM! (Tenessa)

—Step One: Get drunk. Step Two: Stay drunk. (Mike)

—Train to become a UBF (Ultimate Baby Fighting) champion. (Matt)

—Skip the dull reruns and head to the movies for original entertainment like The A-Team, The Karate Kid, Nightmare on Elm Street, Sex and the City 2, Toy Story 3, Shrek 4, and Marmaduke. (Jameson)

—Gather together in the living room and do something fun as a family, like reenacting episodes of your favorite shows from the 2009-2010 TV season. (Joe)

—I don't care if I have to watch According to Jim reruns, I'm still going to sit on the couch and eat cheese while staring into that loving glow. (Tenessa)

—"Daisy Duke" all of the jeans you own and let the compliments melt your summer away. (Matt)

—Try to gain enough weight to get onto The Biggest Loser in the fall. (Mike)

—Have you really poured everything you have into that all-primate lacrosse league idea? Because this sure seems like your window of opportunity. (Brandon)

—Finally jimmy the bathroom lock to find out if your husband died on the toilet last week, ran off and left you, or just fell asleep. (Jameson)

—Start an angry, borderline-racist political party whose only accomplishment is electing fewer people of your ideological ilk to office. (Mike)

—I would say get pregnant and have a kid, but honestly, you should have thought of that nine months ago when the fall premieres were happening. Foresight, dummy! (Matt)

—Lose 10 pounds, get out and enjoy the warm weather, donate your time to a charity... oh wait, there are reruns? And Discovery Network? And baseball? Screw all that other shit and hand me the remote! (Brad)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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