Poop Reading - Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost

Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost

—Apropos of nothing, the Smoke Monster is gay. (Joe)

—It's a word-for-word remake of the Gilligan's Island finale. (Matt)

—Several awkward, inexplicable in-episode product placements for the new KFC Double Down chicken sandwich. (Brandon)

—The finale opens a portal to a parallel universe where the show is on for one more season. (Jameson)

—The island pops high into the atmosphere like a cork, then lands neatly atop the BP oil leak in the Gulf. Problem solved. (Tenessa)

—Remember The Crying Game? Yeah; that was nothing. Kate has two penises. (Joe)

—The final shot is Matthew Fox and Terry O'Quinn in a Mexican standoff, with a Journey song playing in the background – then cut to black. (Jameson)

—During one of the show's confusing and seemingly endless interdimensional space and time shifts, Desmond Hume actually married – and had wedding night sex with – himself. (Joe)

—Turns out the original Dharma Initiative mission was to harness the power of Richard Simmons's ass. (Matt)

—This whole time, Jack Shephard was no more of a doctor than Dr. J. (Joe)

—Viewer Discretion Advisory from ABC warning people who may be disturbed by ponderous, hype-based shows with massive plot holes and nonsensical story lines that have overstayed their welcome. (Jameson)

—The whole thing just turns into a Jacob-centric episode of The Bachelor. (Brandon)

—Somebody says, "Hey, remember Boone?" And then, in the biggest surprise of all, the other person responds, "Actually, yeah, I kind of do." (Joe)

—The survivors are massacred in the night by a bearded, half-naked, volleyball-carrying Tom Hanks. (Matt)

—In one of the story's parallel universes, the airline actually serves in-flight meals to coach passengers. (Jameson)

—At one point, for like twelve seconds, about an hour and a half into the final episode, someone says something that almost actually makes one goddamn bit of sense. (Joe)

—The button in the hatch was actually the trigger for an implanted pleasure device that caused screaming orgasms in former Survivor winner Richard Hatch every 108 minutes. (Matt)

—At the moment of the incident that left him paralyzed, it so happened that Locke had a boner. So the entire time since then, he's constantly had a boner. That's just how it works, from a medical standpoint. Google it if you don't believe me. (Joe)

—The whole thing could've been prevented if Old Man Biff Tannen hadn't gotten his hands on that Sports Almanac. (Jameson)

—Ben Linus actually means for his hair to look like that. (Joe)

—About half the screen time is spent introducing a cloying new kid version of the smoke monster: "L'il Smokey." (Brandon)

—Sayid is found to have grossly exaggerated his torturing resume. Turns out he only took one torture class at the Y, and then did a little torturing here and there the summer before college. That's it. (Joe)

—Jack did it with everyone on the island, and I mean everyone. (Matt)

—Richard Alpert, who was born in the 18th century and became immortal on the island, reveals that the worst thing he has ever seen in his entire existence was Confessions of a Shopaholic. (Joe)

—Just as everything is about to wrap up nice and tidy, another plane crashes on the island. Jack and Locke look at one another, shrug, and go, "Here we go again..." (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost