May 7, 2010

Following the explosion of one of their offshore drilling rigs in the Gulf of Mexico, BP has been spearheading a massive containment and cleanup campaign to deal with the oil spill. But BP's efforts to repair the damage, both to the Gulf and their public image, won't stop there...

Other Ways BP Plans to Make Up for the Gulf Oil Spill

—Dump a bunch of vinegar into the Gulf of Mexico, sail out of barge of potato chips, and let overweight Americans have at it. (Mike)

—Every coastal Louisiana resident will receive a complimentary ShamWow. (Tenessa)

—Hang around South Florida golf courses for the next decade-and-a-half claiming to be looking for the "real spillers." (Joe)

—Now that immigrants aren't welcome in Arizona, BP is happy to offer them dangerous cleanup work. (Tenessa)

—Customers that bring the corpse of any oil-poisoned wildlife into a participating BP-owned am/pm convenience store will receive one free bagel dog. ("am/pm: Too much good stuff!"). (Brandon)

—All Gulf Coast residents affected by the spill will receive free British dental care for a year. (Matt)

—Pave the Gulf of Mexico and put up a new theme park: The Fossil Fuel Fun Farm, featuring Petey the Perfectly Fine Pelican; Claude, the Crawfish Who Cooks Creole with Crude Oil; and Eddie and Emmy, the Egrets with No Regrets! (Jameson)

—Instead of jacking up the price of gas $.67 per gallon, they'll only be jacking up the price of gas $.64 per gallon. (Tenessa)

—Will help Larry King and his wife work it out. (Mike)

—Spill a bunch of oil in every other gulf in the world, so the Gulf of Mexico no longer looks all that bad by comparison. (Joe)

—Any recovered oil will be donated to keep the chests of all Jersey Shore cast members at an acceptable level of sheen. (Brandon)

—Remember all those damn hippie books Alaskans wrote after the Exxon Valdez spill? Well, BP will put one in every McDonald's Happy Meal in June. (Tenessa)

—Goodbye completely drained Gulf of Mexico, hello recently imported Indian Ocean! (Apologies in advance for all of the pirates.) (Matt)

—Free "Minnesota Vikings 2009 NFC Champions" T-shirts, anyone? (Joe)

—BP CEO Tony Hayward promises to ride his bike to work next year on Earth Day. (Tenessa)

—For every ounce of oil a volunteer squeegees off of a pelican, they get 5 "BP Bucks" (not redeemable at any North American BP location). (Mike)

—U.S. Coast Guard helicopters on hand to help with the cleanup will periodically drop shitloads of free "pre-oiled" shrimp onto nearby Gulf communities. (Brandon)

—This year's BP stakeholder meeting will feature a formal bitch-slapping from Al Gore. (Tenessa)

—Fund and produce an alternate final season of Lost that makes at least one goddamn bit of sense. (Joe)

—By promising to be our best friends. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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