Apr 2, 2010

—They no longer bother to roll the tarp off the infield when it's time to play the games. (Jameson)

—New team uniform is sweatpants and a ratty old T-shirt. (Mike)

—In place of the national anthem, each game begins with hometown girl Christina Aguilera quietly weeping into a microphone. (Tenessa)

—Last Christmas, most Pittsburgh-area children's letters to Santa simply asked for "a quick and painless death that I won't see coming." (Joe)

—Most team name spelling chants fizzle out after "P-I-" as fans get distracted by thoughts of sweet, delicious pie. (Brandon)

—The front office has hired several advisors from the Washington Generals. (Matt)

—Every time the local station asks fans to text in their pick for a Pirates MVP, the winner comes out Justin Bieber. (Jameson)

—Team's third base coach does a crossword and calls his mother during each game. (Tenessa)

—Area residents petition their cable provider whenever Pirates games aren't blacked out. (Jameson)

—Minnesota Vikings fans feel sorry for them. (Tenessa)

—Stadium gift shop is now selling a "We're #5!" foam finger. (Mike)

—In an attempt to fill the ballpark at least once, on June 18th the team will offer free admission who anybody who has been drunkenly groped by Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. (Joe)

—Team officials no longer bother to paint over the constant graffiti changing the name of PNC Park into Poops N' Cocks Park. (Brandon)

—When you ask them if they want to be in one of those old-timey Wild West photos, they always request to be the sad prostitute. (Matt)

—Instead of showing highlights and information from the game, the Jumbotron in the outfield shows superbike racing. (Jameson)

—The only business buying advertising space in the stadium is Jeff Goldblum's Secondhand Prophylactic Emporium. (Tenessa)

—Most baseball fans in western Pennsylvania have begun to support Somali pirates instead. (Joe)

—Instead of traveling to foreign countries to do actual talent scouting, international scouting department now just hangs out at the Mexican restaurant down the street and asks the busboys if they know anybody good. (Brandon)

—The players secretly hope they'll be "Roberto Clemente-ed" on their next flight. (Matt)

—Starter Zach Duke has been pitching with a Koosh ball for the better part of a year now, and no one has bothered to do anything about it. (Jameson)

—Most Pittsburgh Pirate fans are also Ugly Betty fans. Does that sound hopeful to you? (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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