Apr 23, 2010

The Food and Drug Administration announced this week that it will seek voluntary reductions from the food industry in the amount of sodium contained in their products. Excessive sodium consumption has been linked to high blood pressure, heart disease, and strokes. But the list of potential negative side effects doesn't stop there...

Additional Problems Caused by Having Too Much Sodium in Your Diet

—Penile bloating. (Brandon)

—Sudden desire to do a nightly talk show on TBS. (Mike)

—On the dating scene, you only attract girls named "Pepper." (Tenessa)

—Harmful interaction with your dosage of Immodium, leading to the dreaded "Sodium-Immodium Explodium." (Jameson)

—When you blow your nose, salt water taffy comes out. (Matt)

—Involuntary Holocaust denial. (Joe)

—Uncontrollable urge to lick sweaty fat guys (also known as Donna Dixon Disorder). (Brandon)

—The extra water retention makes it much harder to eat your weight in Pizza Hut P'Zones. (Mike)

—Your tears are crystal rather than liquid. (Tenessa)

—Your top secret prototype iPhone keeps falling out of your pocket. (Jameson)

—There's now a picture of you on the Morton Salt containers, clutching your heart. (Matt)

—Well, it almost goes without saying, but: too much sodium in your poop. (Joe)

—Heart palpitations every time you hear the latest study about whichever new ingredient will kill us all yet exists in absolutely everything we eat. (Jameson)

—An overpowering urge to move to Salt Lake City. (Matt)

—Increased chance that you might actually start listening to that strange subset of people who generally appear to know what they're talking about and yet, seemingly against all reason, claim that The Big Bang Theory is kind of good. Because come on; it can't possibly be. (Joe)

—There are a surprising number of ocean animals living in your septic tank. (Brandon)

—Your new blood type? Brine. (Tenessa)

—Being cursed with the ability to see exactly one tweet into the future. (Jameson)

—The inside of your vagina looks like a geode. (Matt)

—Willingness to trade a first round NFL draft pick within your own freaking division. (Joe)

—Running out of fuel for your sodium-powered car. (Jameson)

—Every unsalted item you eat tends to taste like walrus dick. (Matt)

—You keep getting suckered into expensive vacations at the Frisian Islands. What? You didn't know that the coastal Frisian Islands are famous for their salt marshes? Well then, I pity you sir. I pity you. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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