Mar 5, 2010

Faced with budget deficits and declining revenue, the United States Postal Service reintroduced proposals this week to cut costs, including closing post offices and eliminating some services like Saturday mail delivery. And the money-saving ideas didn't stop there...

Other Ways the U.S. Postal Service Plans to Cut Costs

—Mail will now be flung, paper-boy-style, onto your yard from the postal worker's constantly moving vehicle. (Brandon)

—Postal uniforms will be pants optional. (Brad)

—The federal government has agreed to look the other way on child labor laws. (Tenessa)

—Instead of expensive daily mail delivery, they'll open your mail and send you a text message if there's anything interesting for you to come in and pick up. (Jameson)

—The census workers are going door-to-door. Make them deliver it! (Matt)

—Stop delivering mail to Tea Party members who hate the government and reject its services. (Mike)

—Vending machines in employee break rooms will now be stocked with SnÝckers, Malty Ways, and Three Brisketeers. (Brandon)

—Dusting off the old mail cannons they used during the Civil War. (Matt)

—Stop paying Clint Howard's blackmail demands and just let him mail whatever he wants – how bad can it be? (Jameson)

—Will no longer provide fresh copies of Victoria's Secret catalogs to replace the ones that postal workers masturbated in. (Brad)

—Have that UPS guy from the commercials figure it out. He seems like he's got his shit together. (Matt)

—Priority Mail to be replaced by less labor-intensive Look, They'll Get It When They Get It Mail. (Brandon)

—Cut back on all those expensive employee counseling sessions and just let the workers start "going postal" again. (Jameson)

—Rather than daily service, a weekly "pinata mail celebration" will be held Saturdays in town squares across the nation, where citizens will eagerly await the moment the pinata breaks open to reveal all of their sweet, delicious mail. (Matt)

—"Air mail" now refers to a kid on a bike holding your letter aloft and making whooshy noises. (Tenessa)

—Send Sissy Spacek and Kevin Spacey into outer space. That doesn't solve the mail problem; it just seems like that'd be the best place for them. (Matt)

—All junk mail will now be sent via Twitter. (Brandon)

—All mail trucks will be equipped with cheap-ass Toyota brakes. (Tenessa)

—Rename it Obamamail and half the country won't even want it to be delivered. (Matt)

—Start rethinking all that "neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night" crap that everyone always talks about. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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