Baron von Funny


Feb 26, 2010

It was reported this week that Tony Kornheiser, co-host of the ESPN show Pardon the Interruption, will be suspended for two weeks following disparaging comments he made about the way Hannah Storm, an anchor for SportsCenter, dresses. This comes on the heels of baseball analyst Steve Phillips getting fired in October for having an affair with a female ESPN production assistant, the firing of baseball analyst Harold Reynolds in 2006 for sexual harassment, and a long-rumored history of inappropriate sexual conduct among executives, producers, and on-air talent at the network. It would appear that "The Worldwide Leader in Sports" is in the market for a new slogan...

New Slogans for ESPN

—"The Worldwide Leader in Torts" (Brandon)

—"Come for the Sports, Stay for the Sexual Harassment!" (Mike)

—"The Place So Douchey, Even Kilborn Had to Leave" (Jameson)

—"ESPN: Every Sexual Position, Nightly!" (Joe)

—"All the News That's Fit to Grope" (Matt)

—"Where Our On-Air Talent Is Just as Obnoxious as the Athletes They Cover" (Brad)

—"Chasing Skirts Since 1979" (Tenessa)

—"Keeping It in Our Pants Since 2010" (Tenessa)

—"A Little Inter-Office Sex Never Hurt Anybody... Well, Except for That Chick in Accounting Who– (REMAINDER OF SLOGAN REDACTED BY ESPN LEGAL DEPARTMENT)" (Brandon)

—"Where Do You Think Tiger Woods Got the Idea in the First Place?" (Mike)

—"You Should See What's Going on Under These Anchor Desks!" (Jameson)

—"Celebrating 30 Years as What Guys Label Their Porn to Throw the Mrs. Off the Scent" (Joe)

—"Wanna Get in the Back Seat of a 2002 Audi and Blow a Guy Who's on TV?" (Mike)

—"It's Like a Sports Slap on the Butt, Except, You Know, on the Tits" (Matt)

—"The Place Where No Almost Certainly Means Yes" (Brad)

—"Come Run Your Fingers Through Barry Melrose's Greasy Mullet" (Mike)

—"Home of the Peter Gammons Pornatorium!" (Jameson)

—"How Were We Supposed to Know That Sports-Obsessed Pretty Boys with Peter Pan Complexes Could Possibly Turn Out to Be Sexist Pricks?" (Joe)

—"Around the Horn Kinda Sounds Like a Euphemism Now, Doesn't It?" (Brandon)

—"Bristol Is for Felchers" (Jameson)

—"8 Days Without a Sexual Harassment Complaint! Wait, What's That Now? We Mean 3 Hours Without a Sexual Harassment Complaint! What? C'mon, Van Pelt! Seriously??" (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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