POOP READING
Jan 29, 2010

Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the company's latest device this week: the iPad, a tablet-style computer that Jobs claims will be better than a laptop or a smartphone. Anticipation for the new product had reached a fever pitch in the weeks leading up to the announcement, and Jobs will likely once again be hailed as a visionary and genius. But some people take their infatuation with Jobs and his company too far...

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

—Whenever you eat an apple, you only take one perfectly semicircular bite out of the right half, then throw it away. (Jameson)

—You've created a new sex act that you like to refer to as a "Steve Job." (Brandon)

—When news broke that Jobs needed a liver transplant, you cut out your own and mailed it to him. (Brad)

—You once attempted to breastfeed your iPod mini when it ran out of battery power. (Matt)

—iDon't think it's possible that iCould be too obsessed with Apple. (Sean)

—You refuse to have any windows whatsoever in your home. (Tenessa)

—You thought the Tea Party rally signs that said "Where are the Jobs?" were grammatically incorrect shout-outs to Steve. (Mike)

—When you learned the iPad wouldn't be available until later this year, you had an abortion so your child wouldn't be born into a world without the iPad. (Jameson)

—You opened a "Genius Bar" in your basement and are charging your children exorbitant fees for help with their homework. (Matt)

—You've taken to slapping real apples out of people's hands and chastising them for trying to eat a mobile computer device. (Brandon)

—After devoting three years of your life to tirelessly compiling anagrams for "Apple Steve Jobs," you finally settle on "Pee Pal Stev Jobs" instead of the far superior "Pajve Be Topless." (Mike)

—You actually think "iPad" sounds like a good name for the device. (Jameson)

—Sometimes when you say something really funny, you glance out of the corner of your eye to see if your iPhone will laugh. (Matt)

—You've got an entire room of paintings featuring Justin Long pissing on John Hodgman's lifeless body. (Tenessa)

—You're Gwyneth Paltrow. (Sean)

—When your iPhone spellchecker suggested a different spelling for your girlfriend's name, you left her for someone who spelled it that way. (Jameson)

—Your Photoshopped poster of a naked Jobs with iPods over his nipples and an iPhone covering his genitals is really creeping out your co-workers. (Matt)

—After she said that she liked Windows Vista, you punched your mom in the face. (Mike)

—Instead of sexy lingerie, you keep buying your wife black turtlenecks and faded jeans and asking her to wear them to bed. (Brandon)

—Your iPod has its own iPod. (Jameson)

—You've got a kid named IIe, for chrissakes. (Matt)

—All of your sexual fantasies feature soft music, candlelight, and unspeakable acts with an iPod Touch. (Tenessa)

—You watched an entire season of iCarly before realizing it wasn't going to have any Apple tie-ins. (Jameson)

—If you found a puma tomorrow on your drive to work, you would name it Steve Jobs. (Matt)

—You iTouched yourself while watching the unveiling of the iPad. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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