POOP READING
Jan 15, 2010

Unhappy with the ratings Jay Leno has been receiving in prime time, NBC has been trying to find ways to move him back into late night programming. Earlier this week, they proposed putting Leno on at 11:35pm, and bumping The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien back to 12:05am, a plan that was quickly shot down by O'Brien. And it turns out that wasn't the only idea to get the kibosh...

Other Rejected Solutions to NBC's Late Night Problem

—Okay, okay... Leno at 11:35, Conan at 12:05, but this time with mustaches. (Brandon)

—Fisticuffs! Fisticuffs! Fisticuffs! (Tenessa)

—Battle to the Death of the Network Stars (Jameson)

—Tie a heavy rock to both Jay and Conan's ankles. Throw them in a lake. Whoever floats is a witch and will thus be fired. Whoever drowns is not a witch and will be named host of The Tonight Show. (Mike)

—Telemundo spinoff: La Demostración de la Esta Noche con Conan O'Bueno! (Matt)

—Every single night, a three-hour-long round-robin arm wrestling tournament between the children of Jon and Kate. (Joe)

—The triumphant return of Pat Sajak. Take that, CBS! (Tenessa)

—In a move akin to agricultural subsidies, NBC will pay Leno not to make a late night show; instead he'll deliver a nightly monologue in his basement to prop cameras which are not plugged in. (Jameson)

—Have Obama host another one of them "beer summits." (Mike)

—The Tonight Show will be co-hosted each night on one of Jay's motorcycles, with Conan in a comically small sidecar. (Matt)

—NBC does whatever it wants, and in return, each host gets three ducks and a whore (or comparable woman of ill repute), as was standard compensation in the Bible. (Brandon)

—Every night, the lineup order will be shuffled by a random spin, like the old Press Your Luck board. If a "Whammy" occurs, that night will instead feature four back-to-back reruns of Father Dowling Mysteries. (Jameson)

—Start reading "Archie" comics to see how they reached a decision on Betty vs. Veronica, while also using focus groups to figure out which woman Americans see Jay as. (Mike)

—Run a split-screen with Conan and Jay's shows airing simultaneously, and hope to appeal to whoever the hell it is that watches Around the Horn. (Joe)

—President/CEO of NBC Universal Jeff Zucker offers to host The Tonight Show himself. Uncomfortable silence follows. (Tenessa)

—Have each guy host his own Tonight Show, air them back-to-back, and create an extra hour each night by telling viewers to set their clocks back in between shows, which allows both to technically start at 11:35. Then let those Washington fat cats deal with the consequences. (Matt)

—Force Conan and Leno to settle their differences in a People's Court-type program, presided over by a Dancing Ito. (Jameson)

—Have Sophie make the choice. (Mike)

—NBC gives up on late night, resigning itself to an old-timey "off the air" peacock logo from 11:35 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. (Tenessa)

—The first one to quit gets the creative rights to that old Easy Spirit "looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker" shoe commercial. (Matt)

—Continue to screw things up so badly that Congress is forced to give NBC a $400 billion bailout. (Mike)

—Deliver a Conan Tonight Show and a Leno Tonight Show to affiliates, and let them decide which to air in their markets, deepening the cultural divide between the two Americas, who would no longer get each other's references from last night's TV. (Jameson)

—Let Conan keep The Tonight Show for another month while Jay goes off and films a bunch of his classic "Jaywalking" bits in the war-torn Gaza Strip. The NBC execs will make their decision after his safe return. Bon voyage, Jay! (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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