POOP READING
Dec 18, 2009

The much-hyped James Cameron sci-fi epic Avatar hit theaters this weekend. The film has been touted as a breakthrough in filmmaking technology, and with a reported budget of $237M, it's the one of the most expensive movies ever made. And there are indications that Cameron made some unusual choices...

Surprises Found in the New Avatar Movie

—Even on the isolated, peaceful planet of Pandora, most of the women have slept with Tiger Woods. (Jameson)

—Key plot point centers around the human and alien soldiers bonding over a viewing of Dude, Where's My Car?. (Matt)

—All the technology in the world is no match for masturbating. (Wait, that's something that is in no way a surprise to anyone who has ever masturbated). (Mike)

—Blatant product placement where Na'vi aliens power up for battle by eating several pounds of Bush's new Grillin' Beans. (Brandon)

—Despite featuring many, many scenes of graphic, hardcore alien sex, the movie was still able to score a PG-13 rating because aliens aren't real. (Joe)

—Lots and lots of blue boobies. (Sean)

—If you watch all the way to the end of the 162-minute epic and its closing credits, it mentions a web site where Cameron will go halfsies with you on a replacement for your exploded bladder. (Jameson)

—We learn that Joanie, in fact, did not love Chachi. (Mike)

—Movie was based on a drastic misinterpretation of the Bible. (Brandon)

—If you pop the lenses out of your 3D glasses and switch them around, you can actually watch the movie in 5D. (Jameson)

—Lots of James Caan, James Cagney, and Lebron James, but no Kirk Cameron. (Matt)

—Humans able to take over planet Pandora after a hot blue chick with glasses named "Sarah Palien" causes such divisiveness and infighting among the extraterrestrials that they become easy to defeat and conquer. (Joe)

—Even at a staggering $237 million, its budget wouldn't be enough to serve one day's luncheon in the Goldman Sachs executive cafeteria. (Jameson)

—Sigourney Weaver's character marries Peter Venkman in the end. (Mike)

—Numerous derogatory references to former Kojak star Telly Savalas. (Brandon)

—Last half hour of the film is just an old episode of The Smurfs. (Jameson)

—Whether human or alien, anytime you see some dude's junk, it's actually spliced footage of Cameron's own penis. (Matt)

—Despite the presence of ten-foot-tall blue aliens with tails and freaky eyes, there's not one human character who is trippin' balls on insane amounts of LSD. (Brandon)

—Cameron won't say exactly how this is possible, but he now claims that the finished film actually features no special effects whatsoever. (Joe)

—If you read the whole Pandorapedia before going to the movie, you'll notice a few of the plants in the background are out of place according to their taxonomic classification, ruining the entire experience. (Jameson)

—Cameron's inspired use of the classic Scooby Doo ending where it is revealed that the alien leader was Old Man Withers all along... and he would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids! (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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