POOP READING
Dec 4, 2009

After many years as a sports and cultural icon, Tiger Woods's public image took a hit this week when it was revealed that he has had multiple extramarital affairs. And in its frenzy to dig up dirt on the once squeaky-clean golfer, the media is leaving no stone unturned...

Additional Accusations Being Made Against Tiger Woods

—Is not an actual tiger. (Joe)

—But did have an affair with an actual tiger. (Mike)

—Has a name for each of his golf clubs, and each name is a different deeply offensive nickname for white people. (Jameson)

—Once made love to the 17th hole at Pebble Beach. (Brandon)

—Thanksgiving night was actually the first time he'd ever driven a car. (Matt)

—Can't get an erection unless he's holding a lob wedge. (Mike)

—Not only did he frequently cheat on his wife, he also went to see every M. Night Shyamalan movie on opening day and then quickly ran home to spoil each twist ending for her. (Joe)

—Reads a woman like he reads a putting green: he lays her down and squats on her. (Jameson)

—Spent the year following his 2007 Masters Tournament loss to Zach Johnson routinely pooping in the pockets of Johnson's championship green jacket. (Brandon)

—Once had a three-way with the world's tallest and fattest men. (Matt)

—His driver ain't the only thing with a Tiger headcover. (Mike)

—His given name, Eldrick Tont, was intended to serve as an anagram for "Lord Tit Neck." (Brandon)

—Has arm wrestled every living species, but could only win against the kinkajou, or "honey bear." (Jameson)

—Recently crashed the White House State Dinner with the Prime Minister of India. (Mike)

—Fight with his wife had nothing to do with adultery; it was actually caused by the fact that Tiger is "Team Edward," while Elin is "Team Jacob." (Joe)

—Hates infidelity so much that the only outlet for his rage is having sex with a number of different women who aren't his wife. (Matt)

—Regularly confuses "there" and "their"... and don't even get him started on "they're." (Mike)

—Stole most of the ideas for his 2001 best-seller How I Play Golf from Tim Conway's Dorf on Golf. (Brandon)

—Once spanked it to a picture of Alex Rodriguez spanking it to a picture of Coretta Scott King. (Jameson)

—Asks caddie Stevie Williams's opinion on which sexual position, given the wind, would be most efficient to use on the nameless skank he's banging that night. (Mike)

—Is the "real killer." (Joe)

—First big purchase as a pro golfer? A tiger penis to replace his old wooden penis. (Matt)

—Once played a round of "best ball" with Phil Mickelson that had nothing whatsoever to do with golf. (Brandon)

—Regularly reuses his original plate at Golden Corral, even though the sign at the start of the buffet explicitly requires a clean plate upon return trips to the salad bar. (Mike)

—Still believes in the Tooth Fairy. And he would like to cheat on his wife with her. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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