Nov 6, 2009

Nicolas Cage made headlines this week for falling into financial ruin, as he reportedly owes the IRS $6.3M in back taxes, has been frantically selling his real estate properties, and has homes in New Orleans that are now in foreclosure. Yet Cage is a well-known Hollywood actor who often commands $20M a movie, and has earned hundreds of millions of dollars over his career. So what everyone wants to know is: where did the money go?

Ways That Nicolas Cage Wasted Hundreds of Millions of Dollars

—Well, it sure as shit didn't go for hair plugs. (Mike)

—Long-standing misapprehension that Brewster's Millions was a documentary. (Jameson)

—Financially devastating quest to acquire, and then have sex with, everything that Elvis Presley ever touched, saw, or thought about. (Joe)

—Attempted to mate Tom Selleck with a horse. (Brandon)

—Funneled it into developing a script for Face Off II: Face On. (Matt)

—Probably shouldn't have spent 2003 wiping his ass with $1,000 bills. (Mike)

—Commissioned an all-chicken musical version of Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train. (Jameson)

—One Egyptian Sphinx blowjob. (Matt)

—In an attempt to "get into his character" of Memphis Raines in Gone in 60 Seconds, Cage bought the city of Memphis for 435 million dollars. (Mike)

—There was a palimony settlement with the late Charles Kuralt that you do not want to know about. (Jameson)

—Like many other prominent celebrities, developed an obsession with buying Shabys (Shark-baby hybrid) on the black market. (Matt)

—Failed to realize how quickly that extra cent in the new Arby's $5.01 deal would add up. (Brandon)

—Purchased hundreds of millions of dollars of "wastin' money," often at an exorbitant markup. (Jameson)

—Wagered heavily in Vegas on "50 or Above" being the average Metacritic score for each of his last ten movies. (Joe)

—Duped into spending an inordinate sum on eBay for what he was convinced was the "actual" Captain Correlli's mandolin. (Jameson)

—A lavish assortment of pewter penis crowns. (Matt)

—Had to buy birthday gifts for each of Shirley MacLaine's past lives during the making of Guarding Tess. (Mike)

—Bought tickets to Ghost Rider and Knowing. (No, wait, that's how other Americans wasted hundreds of millions of dollars.). (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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