Nov 13, 2009

Legendary pro wrestler Hulk Hogan announced recently that he has come out of retirement to join TNA Wrestling ("Total Nonstop Action") on Spike TV. And later this month, he will be performing with a group of wrestlers across Australia in a tour titled Hulkamania: Let the Battle Begin. But as Hogan gets back into the ring at 56 years old, it's apparent that things will be a little different for him this time around...

Hulk Hogan Complaints About Returning to Wrestling at Age 56

—"Atomic drop" now refers to what happens to his colon in the mornings, rather than his lethal leg slam. (Mike)

—Each time he bounces off the ropes now, he pees a little. (Jameson)

—These days, most cases of Hulkamania are effectively modulated by lithium or Xanax. (Brandon)

—His HMO considers "Hit from behind with a steel chair by Mr. Fuji" to be a pre-existing condition. (Mike)

—He's missing AARP Frosh Week in December. (Matt)

—You know that gross sweaty old guy smell? Well, it's not like the actual gross sweaty old guy can't smell it too. (Joe)

—That coward Nick Bockwinkel won't participate because he's "74" and "just underwent triple bypass heart surgery last week." (Brandon)

—A lot of the guys fake it nowadays. (Jameson)

—Groupies don't dig 56 year-old dongs. (Matt)

—Constant touring forced postponement of sequels to Mr. Nanny and Santa With Muscles. (Mike)

—In his day, you didn't have to tweet before every wrestling match. (Jameson)

—Most wrestlers die at 55. (Matt)

—If you don't time when you take the Viagra just right, you're fully erect during an embarrassing suplex with The Undertaker rather than during a sexual suplex with Miss Elizabeth. (Mike)

—Much, much tougher to avoid stepping on his own pendulous, dangling scrotum than he remembered. (Joe)

—Most guys these days get their testosterone from sources other than the old fashioned way: having sex with alluring horses. (Matt)

—Pre-match prostate exams send a good message to the fans, but don't really set the right tone for vicious animal carnage. (Brandon)

—None of the current wrestlers respect the fundamentals. When's the last time you saw a perfectly executed "Irish Whip?" (Mike)

—There comes a time when getting "taint-faced" on a daily basis gets old. (Matt)

—A lot of the drama has gone out of it since that peace summit smoothed out tensions with the Iron Sheik. (Jameson)

—Repeated requests to trade tight spandex briefs for comfortable pair of slacks have largely been ignored. (Brandon)

—It wasn't that fun shaving his chest when it was young and taut; now it takes him half a bottle of Jim Beam and all of his Air Supply greatest hits CD just to get through it. (Jameson)

—Having to be interviewed by Bryant Gumbel for Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel. Ugh. (Matt)

—It's way too much like that Mickey Rourke movie. I speak, of course, of Diner. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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