POOP READING
Oct 16, 2009

The math results of the National Assessment of Education Progress, a proficiency test given to hundreds of thousands of 4th and 8th graders in the U.S., were released this week, and most of the scores indicated little to no improvement. This continues a six-year trend of sluggish results, and has some concerned about the future of our nation's educational system. And now the hunt is on for the source of the problem...

Reasons Why the Math Scores of U.S. Schoolchildren Are Failing to Improve

—No longer allowed to beat math skills into the children, like back in the good old days. (Joe)

—The metric system. (Sean)

—Students figure that government death panels will have them killed long before they'll need to use math. (Mike)

—No one will tell them how many texts there are in a tweet, and how many tweets are in a Facebook. (Brandon)

—Their American-made calculators suck at math too. (Matt)

—The problem is that if a train leaves Chicago at 8:00 traveling 60mph, and another leaves Omaha at 8:30 traveling 70mph, Amtrak is still a mismanaged government disaster, and the thought of it brings tears to Glenn Beck's eyes. (Jameson)

—Continued outsourcing of math homework to India. (Brad)

—Scores are improving; government forgot to carry the "1." (Mike)

—Hourly Mongol invasion preparedness drills. (Matt)

—High school not enough like High School Musical to hold students' interest. (Jameson)

—We are still seeing the lingering effects of "Math is Hard" Barbie. (Sean)

—The fact that the TV show Numb3rs has a frickin' three in the middle of its title has left most of them in a state of confusion and despair. (Brandon)

—Long division still not more fun than masturbating. (Mike)

—Our failure to adopt the Japanese system of being smart. (Matt)

—Because public schools are run by the government and can't innovate for success like private enterprise can. (Read: hide "liability students" in offshore holding schools in the Caymans to buck up the test scores.). (Jameson)

—With all the modern technology available nowadays, it's getting more and more difficult to fool kids into thinking that math isn't useless and dumb. (Joe)

—If we work hard at it, I'm sure we can find a way to blame this on Obama. (Brad)

—Most U.S. children have only 2 or 3 fingers on each hand, making them unlikely to be able to do anything other than question why they have so few fingers. (Matt)

—Too many students choosing to take elective "Future Dancer with the Stars" course than Algebra. (Mike)

—Watching Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? has made them realize the bar for adult intelligence has been set pretty low. (Brandon)

—The white man has now taken to keeping everyone down. (Matt)

—The people compiling the statistics about U.S. students' poor math scores? All taught by U.S. math teachers. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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