Sep 11, 2009

Survivor: Samoa, the nineteenth installment of the popular CBS reality show, premieres on Thursday, September 17th. And after so many years on the air and with ratings sagging, the producers are feeling the need to shake things up a little...

Surprises Planned for the New Season of Survivor

—Immunity challenges to be replaced by swine flu immunity challenges. (Brandon)

—The first contestant voted off the island will be health care reform. (Mike)

—Just to make things tougher, no one will be allowed to poop during the entire run of the show. (Joe)

—Winner will receive an "Old West" photo of him or herself with Jeff Probst. (Jameson)

—Don't tell anyone, but Samoa used to be known as Werewolf Island. (Matt)

—All the women on the show will be old, fat, and ugly (to build suspense around which one of them host Jeff Probst is banging). (Sean)

—Instead of playing the game on the island of Samoa, contestants will "survive" on an enormous pile of Samoa Girl Scout cookies on a back lot in Los Angeles. (Mike)

—No lip balm. Enjoy the cracked lips, suckers! (Matt)

—Rep. Joe Wilson (R, SC) will be brought in to scream at contestants who lie during tribal council. (Joe)

—Unlike previous seasons, cannibalism will no longer be "off limits." (Jameson)

—Program will no longer be filmed – updates of the show's progress will be available on Twitter and an old teletype machine in the basement of the Smithsonian. (Mike)

—Contestants will be subject to repeated viewings of new HD footage of Richard Hatch's nude scenes from season one. (Matt)

—The first tribal council will feature a guest appearance by a shirtless, face-painted Dick Cheney, who will gnaw on raw wild boar meat while lecturing about the dangers of being soft on terrorists. (Brandon)

—Celebrity walk-ons to include Sonny and Cher, Tim Conway, and the Harlem Globetrotters. (Mike)

—Instead of a jury made up of the season's ousted "Survivors," the final two contestants will make their case before a government-sponsored death panel. (Joe)

—Only dial-up internet access available. (Matt)

—Cast drawn entirely from those deemed "too fat" for The Biggest Loser. (Mike)

—After the final tribal council, the "sole survivor" will be offered a nightly talk show in the 10pm time slot. (Jameson)

—When the inevitable scheming-jerk cast member is getting airtime, the camera will be tilted at an angle, like the way they shot the villains on the old Batman TV show. (Sean)

—Thanks to the presence of the Samoan Flying Fox and its need to periodically relieve itself, let's just say the phrase "You got fox trotted, bitch!" is about to enter the national lexicon. (Brandon)

—CBS will award a special $100,000 prize to any contestant who can "out-douche" host Jeff Probst. (Joe)

—Winner to be parachuted onto Pakistan-Afghanistan border for ultimate test of survive-ability. (Mike)

—The entire season consists of participants trying to get out of a Bank of America with an extension on their mortgage payments. (Matt)

—At the end of the competition, one contestant will be allowed to leave the program and request that all footage of them be edited out, granting them the best prize a Survivor contestant could ever hope for: their dignity back. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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