Sep 4, 2009

Southwest Airlines announced this week that they will begin charging passengers $10 each way to board flights before general check-in starts. Earlier this year, Southwest started allowing some pets on flights for a fee, and announced a charge for unaccompanied minors. And nearly every airline now charges for checked bags. It's becoming clear that this is only the beginning...

Other Things the Airlines Will Soon Be Charging You For

—Masturbating in the airplane bathroom. (Mike)

—Carrying more than 4 ounces of fluid in your luggage, your intestines, or your goiter. (Jameson)

—You know that little recirculated air dial above your seat? Fifty bucks if you want that air to smell like something other than James Earl Jones's ass. (Brandon)

—Being insanely gorgeous or conversely, gorgeously insane. (Matt)

—After showing an in-flight movie, a quiz on that movie will be given that costs each passenger five bucks for every question they miss. (Joe)

—Bringing more than one or two small muthafuckin' snakes on the muthafuckin' plane. (Jameson)

—Wearing pants. (Mike)

—Bringing democracy to a war-torn country. (Matt)

—Two dollars to use the toilet; five dollars if you want to flush. (Joe)

—$6.50 extra if you want the plane to take off. (Jameson)

—Mile High Club membership dues (includes complimentary subscription to club newsletter "Cockpit Enthusiast Weekly"). (Brandon)

—If you decide not to buy anything from the SkyMall catalog, that'll cost you $30. (Jameson)

—Asking "Hey, whatever happened to Delta Burke?" on a non-Delta airlines flight. (Matt)

—For an extra $250 per passenger, pilots will "pull a Sully" and land in the nearest body of water. (Jameson)

—Looking Middle Eastern-ish. (Matt)

—Watching the North by Northwest DVD on a Southwest flight. (Jameson)

—Arm rest property taxes. (Brandon)

—If you put your seat back and tray table in the upright position but not the upright and locked position, you better believe that'll cost ya. (Jameson)

—$2.50 for each can of Coke; Pepsi will remain free. Estimated revenues: $16 billion. (Joe)

—$7.75 to have your name discreetly removed from the "no-fly list," no questions asked. (Jameson)

—The time you accidentally broke a fishing rod at a Wal-Mart because you were bending it to see if it was as flexible as it was in the commercials and then had to run to your car because you didn't have the money to pay for it. The airlines know all about it. (Matt)

—For $20 you can get a photo album of your luggage enjoying the island vacation you were unable to experience due to a missed connecting flight. (Jameson)

—Choosing to drive instead. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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