POOP READING
Aug 28, 2009

This week, a report released by the President's Council of Advisors on Science and Technology predicted that nearly two million Americans could be hospitalized during an anticipated H1N1 influenza pandemic this winter. And while vaccinations and other precautions make sense, some people are going overboard in their concern...

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

—After biting off a piece of a ham sandwich, you cough it into your elbow. (Mike)

—You're keeping a real close watch on that pig-nosed guy down the street. (Brandon)

—You've been watching Ocean's Eleven over and over for tips on how to steal Tamiflu from Walgreens. (Sean)

—You paid $8 for that iPhone app that listens to your cough and tells you which flu you have: regular, avian, swine, or Gary Busey. (Jameson)

—Every time you fart, you demand that your wife put her head near your ass to see if things "smell swiney" down there. (Mike)

—Increased interest in Conspiracy Theory and decreased interest in What Women Want. (Matt)

—You're grossly overweight and you have Washington Redskins season tickets, yet you refrain from wearing a novelty pig snout to the team's season opener. (Joe)

—You refuse to watch any movies that star Tilda Swinton because her name's a little too close for comfort. (Brad)

—You signed on to play quarterback for the Vikings just to extend your medical coverage another two years. (Jameson)

—Most of your home school curriculum for your kids has moved away from vampires and now focuses almost exclusively on the swine flu. (Matt)

—You throw up in your mouth a little every time you watch someone eat a pig in a blanket. (Brandon)

—You pull off the road for ten minutes any time you see a car with H1 or N1 in its license plate. (Jameson)

—You cold-cocked a guy at the YMCA when he suggested the two of you play a game of P-I-G. (Matt)

—Every time an employee coughs, you have them killed. (Mike)

—You sold all of your Harley Davidson stock (ticker symbol: HOG). (Brad)

—It seems like people on the subway have been staring ever since you started wearing a respirator mask over your Spiderman costume. (Matt)

—You abstain from sex due to the fact that some people call it "porking." (Joe)

—On the way home from work, you're almost certain that swine flu was driving behind you a little too closely. (Sean)

—When's the last time, instead of stock-piling H1N1 disaster supplies, you enjoyed using the rock tumbler? It's been a while, hasn't it? (Matt)

—You hired a Filipino kid to follow you around and touch everything you touch, like a canary in a coal mine. (Jameson)

—You're doing twice as much scent marking around the perimeter of your house than you were when you were preoccupied with Y2K. (Matt)

—You've stopped having secret sexual relations with pigs and started having them with larger birds. (Mike)

—You've been checking old Muppet Show "Pigs in Space" skits for "clues." (Jameson)

—Your loathing of Jimmy Dean has only become stronger. (Matt)

—Every time you sneeze, you update your living will. (Jameson)

—You've got some pretty nefarious plans for when the Blue Ribbon Bacon Tour comes to your town. (Brandon)

—You hardly ever have time to call the Mad Cow Disease hotline anymore. (Matt)

—You bought a decontamination hazmat suit to wear over your decontamination hazmat suit. (Jameson)

—You've decided to go ahead and kill yourself so you don't have to worry about getting the swine flu. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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