Aug 7, 2009

Paula Abdul announced this week that she has decided to leave American Idol, after eight seasons as a judge on the popular show. Some have speculated that it was due to failed contract negotiations, but the reality is that it's much more complicated than that...

Real Reasons Paula Abdul Left American Idol

—Choreography-related emergency in the Middle East. (Jameson)

—Honestly felt that somebody else would top FOX's offer of $3 million a year to slur "you're really amazing!" at karaoke singers. (Joe)

—Ryan Seacrest's habit of territorial urine marking around the studio. (Brandon)

—Wants to experience meteoric career boom enjoyed by David Caruso, Wayne Rogers, McLean Stevenson, Anthony Edwards, and Valerie Harper after they left their hit shows. (Mike)

—If you had to sit between a dick and a douche, would you stay? (Matt)

—Running off to the south of France with that animated dancing cat from the "Opposites Attract" video. (Jameson)

—Hopes to meet Jon Gosselin, become nation's first Neuvetuplo-mom. (Mike)

—FOX kept trying to censor her tweets. (Jameson)

—Randy Jackson kept trying to "censor" her "tweets." (Brandon)

—You might not be able to tell from watching the show, but Simon Cowell's personality can be a little grating. (Jameson)

—She leaves Idol, and a couple days later John Hughes just "happens" to die? Sorry; not buying it. (Joe)

—She's not quitting. See, you aren't listening. She's just not someone who goes with the flow. Only dead fish go with the flow. She's just going to help America's aspiring singers in another way. You don't need a show that gives an enormously successful platform to aspiring singers to do that. (Mike)

—Contestants won't have sex with her any more since that one kid went on 20/20. (Jameson)

—(Let the record show that the writer made the "drinky drinky" motion.) (Brandon)

—A Scientologist friend pointed out that "American Idol" is an anagram for "a demonic lair" and she hasn't been able to sleep since. (Jameson)

—Too many tiger maulings in the last season. (Matt)

—Accepted an offer to devote her intensely selective critical eye to Cahiers du Cinema. (Jameson)

—She's a vapid idiot who just shit a gift horse in the mouth. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

© poopreading.com, all rights reserved – advertising info