Jul 24, 2009

President Barack Obama and members of both houses of Congress have been working on legislation to reform the American health care system, an effort marred by public battles and voting delays. An inside look at the bills under consideration shows that they're being bogged down by proposals that are all over the map...

Recent Additions to the Congressional Health Care Bills

—Health benefits automatically extended to spouses, same sex partners, and Argentine mistresses. (Jameson)

—FDA approval for diabetic Twinkies. (Mike)

—25% discount on all health care if you're willing to go to a doctor who is considered "pervy." (Joe)

—Got a dog? Well sir, now he's your primary care physician. (Matt)

—Funding to figure out why the makers of Cialis TV commercials seem to think that a couple sitting in side-by-side clawfoot bathtubs in the outdoors is a form of sexual foreplay. (Brandon)

—Half-assed plan to put respiration masks on every pig in America to prevent the continued spread of swine flu. (Brad)

—$25 million for the weekly washing and drying of all Congressional genitalia. (Matt)

—Nation's growing number of obese citizens to be charged on a per-fat-fold basis. (Joe)

—$450 billion to reanimate Walter Cronkite, get him on the CBS Evening News. (Mike)

—As a way to reduce medical costs, all clinics will be respelled Clinique and makeup application will be the primary means of treatment. (Matt)

—All Americans to get some of whatever the hell it is that keeps 91-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd coming back for more. (Brandon)

—Boob jobs for everyone, even the fellas. Hell... especially the fellas! (Joe)

—Provision making it mandatory for hot Congressional interns and pages to be pre-screened for STDs before the Capitol Hill Christmas Party. (Mike)

—Unlimited speech therapy sessions for Barney Frank. (Brad)

—$72 to have the rod removed from Mitch McConnell's ass. (Matt)

—A de-bloater for Rush Limbaugh. (Mike)

—Finally going to allocate some money toward doing something about Biden's hair. (Joe)

—An unhealthy obsession with Tina Fey will be covered. An unhealthy obsession with Tina Yothers will not. (Matt)

—$300 million for program teaching youngsters "best practices" for autoerotic asphyxiation. (Mike)

—A rider to drastically lower the cigarette tax, but only for half-black residents of Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, DC. (Joe)

—Every sixth day of a patient's hospital stay will be staffed exclusively by one of those Russian organ grinder bears. (Matt)

—Creation of a tiered system of lower-cost health care options: Veterinary Care, Shaman Care, Person Who Plays a Doctor on TV Care, Hobo with a Medical Dictionary Care. (Brandon)

—In accordance with his dying wishes, which were fueled by his long-standing jealousy of Lou Gehrig, clinical obesity will now be known as Babe Ruth's Disease. (Matt)

—Extra funding for hospital gowns that close all the way in the back, so people can't see your ass flappin' in the wind. Am I right, folks? Yeah... look at this guy. He knows what I'm talking about. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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