Jul 31, 2009

On Thursday, President Obama invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Cambridge, MA police Sgt. James Crowley to the White House for a beer in hopes of resolving some of the tensions that arose after Crowley arrested Gates on the steps of Gates's home last week, and Obama commented that the police "acted stupidly." However, the "Beer Summit" was not the only idea bandied about by the White House staff...

Other Ideas Considered to Resolve the Gates-Crowley Dispute

—"Rear Summit" (idea immediately shot down). (Brandon)

—Let them waterboard each other. (Mike)

—"Yo Mama" joke-off. (Sean)

—Group Glamour Shots. (Matt)

—Circulate press release downgrading the matter to a "kerfuffle." Nobody can stay mad about a kerfuffle. (Jameson)

—Have all cops fight all college professors to see who emerges victorious. Then, put out a nationwide search to replace all the dead college professors. (Joe)

—Something with no racial overtones, like a friendly game of checkers– no, chess– er, backgamm– dammit! (Brandon)

—Scrapbook the pictures and newspaper articles. (Matt)

—"Porn Summit." (Mike)

—Put the reparations issue back on the table, but only for upper-middle-class Harvard-educated blacks. (Jameson)

—Rock-Paper-Burning Cross. (Sean)

—Role reversal reenactment with Crowley in blackface and Gates in whiteface. (Matt)

—Do what people have always done in these situations: gang up on the Jews. (Joe)

—Pair the two on next season's The Amazing Race. (Mike)

—Have the three form a book club, but start with an "easy" book so Crowley doesn't feel left out. (Jameson)

—Find an infant, do a quickie remake of Three Men and a Baby, let wacky hijinks heal the nation's wounds, as they have so many times before. (Brandon)

—A weekend of White House foxy boxing. (Matt)

—Have them switch jobs for a day so that Crowley gets to be an arrogant, elitist professor and Gates gets to randomly arrest white people. (Mike)

—79 straight hours of asshole cable news pundits yelling about it; what problem has that ever not solved? (Jameson)

—To give Sgt. Crowley a taste of what it's like being oppressed and on the outside of society looking in, ask him to imagine an alternate reality in which his mayor, governor, and president are all black, as are his nation's most influential television personality, its biggest box office star, and virtually all of its most famous and successful athletes. (Joe)

—Couples massage! (Mike)

—"Weed Summit," to be followed shortly by "Dorito Summit." (Sean)

—Go gang up on Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, make everybody feel like a big man. (Brandon)

—A couple of good laughs about those dumb-ass Yalies. (Matt)

—Spooning. Countless hours of spooning. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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