May 8, 2009

The much-anticipated, J.J. Abrams-directed Star Trek opened in theaters around the world this week. The movie is a reboot of the franchise, and chronicles the early days of Captain James T. Kirk and his well-known crew members. Going back to the beginning of the story made sense, but several other choices made by the filmmakers were much more unusual...

Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie

—Unpleasant sequence in which Kirk waterboards an Ewok. (Jameson)

—A Slyder-craving Sulu forces the Enterprise to make several unnecessary trips to White Castle. (Matt)

—Far more scenes involving graphic sex between horses than you'd expect to see in a PG-13 movie. (Brandon)

—Far, far more full frontal nudity than could ever be considered necessary or desirable, even by people who are huge fans of full frontal nudity. (Joe)

—Brett Favre retires to get out of his contractual obligation to the Federation, then later signs on with the Romulans. (Mike)

—Uhura totally lets Kirk "boldly go where no man has gone before." (Brad)

—In accordance with J.J. Abrams tradition, every character utters the line "Holy jeepers, Captain Taco!" at least once. (Jameson)

—All Klingons in the film are depicted as being hilariously, flamboyantly gay. (Joe)

—Closing credit outtakes where Dom DeLuise's madcap behavior in the filming of various scenes cracks up Burt Reynolds. (Mike)

—In a nod to hard-core Heroes fans, Zachary Quinto delivers a stilted, awful performance. (Jameson)

—In the 23rd century, where the film is set, the Cubs still haven't won another World Series. (Brandon)

—The Enterprise's famous Captain's chair is now simply a blatant product placement for a similar chair available from The Sharper Image. (Matt)

—It turns out that the origin of the phrase "Beam me up, Scotty" simply comes from Captain Kirk asking for some Jim Beam. (Joe)

—Shouting match between teenage Kirk and his dad in which young Jim complains about being saddled with the embarrassing middle name Tiberius. (Jameson)

—Inexplicably wacky battle montage set to The Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out." (Brandon)

—We learn that Spock's slow, slightly condescending speech pattern was the result of an undiagnosed stroke caused by a teenage autoerotic asphyxiation fetish. (Matt)

—Budget cuts in the makeup department forced the filmmakers to cast Jocelyn Wildenstein as one of the key alien villains. (Jameson)

—During the film's climactic battle, Kirk takes a break to Twitter. (Mike)

—Ill-conceived crossover visit from the Harlem Globetrotters. (Jameson)

—Those bumps on the Klingons' foreheads? Let's just say they are "ribbed for her pleasure." (Brad)

—The word "space" is used as a prefix to nearly everything: "How are you space doing today?" "How did you space sleep last night?" "What would you like for space dinner?" It's cute at first, but eventually gets really, really annoying. (Joe)

—Short on ideas for Bones's trademark "Dammit, Jim..." catchphrase, the writers resorted to some odd choices: "I'm a doctor, not an iguana whisperer!" "I'm a doctor, not a golf caddy!" "I'm a doctor, not a housebroken labradoodle!" (Jameson)

—In lieu of sound effects, actors simply shout "pew, pew, pa-PEW!" while pretending to fire their prop phasers. (Joe)

—Eric Bana proves that Australians can still be sexy in outer space, contrary to what it says in the Bible. (Matt)

—Ten minute monologue from Chekov about how much he loves jonnycakes. (Brandon)

—Kirk's father? Darth Vader. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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