May 15, 2009

Earlier this week, the Food and Drug Administration issued a warning letter to General Mills, the maker of Cheerios, about health claims made on the breakfast cereal's box. Specifically, the agency said that Cheerios' labeling that stated "you can lower your cholesterol 4% in 6 weeks" was a claim that only FDA-approved drugs are allowed to make. However, this was hardly the only infraction for the popular cereal...

Additional Cheerios Claims That Were Shot Down By the FDA

—Can be used as currency in a bear market! (Jameson)

—If John McCain had eaten any other cereal, Charlie would have broken him in a matter of seconds. (Joe)

—Five bowls a day will give you orgasms so powerful they create a parallel universe where you are also having an orgasm. (Brandon)

—If you put enough of them in her mouth, your wife will shut the hell up for once. (Mike)

—Eating Cheerios is so American, several members of Al Qaeda have died in the middle of eating a bowl. (Matt)

—Are you familiar with the phrase "hung like a horse"? Well dude, horses eat oats. Do we need to draw you a diagram? (Brad)

—When seeking approval for the phrase "Now With More Fiber," "More" was allowed, but "Fiber" had to be changed to "Insect Particulate." (Sean)

—Cheerios can double as a cock ring for the modestly endowed. (Mike)

—Will turn your urine into a nutrient-rich plant food. (Brandon)

—Reduces the risk of "rhubarb ankles," "comptroller's lung," and "inverted penis." (Jameson)

—Cheerios-sponsored NASCAR drivers have been shown to be completely flame retardant, even when naked. (Matt)

—You know who never, not once in his life, ate Cheerios? John Wilkes Booth. (Joe)

—Provides body-building results comparable to anabolic steroids, but without the back acne and shrunken testicles. The violent rage, however, remains a side effect. (Mike)

—Makes an excellent babysitter! (Brandon)

—Cheerios will keep your secrets and never judge you. (Jameson)

—Cheerios love you more than your husband ever could. (Matt)

—Regular consumption gives you the ability to communicate with cartoon bees. (Mike)

—In an emergency, can be used to ward off Dane Cook. (Brandon)

—In laboratory experiments, sentient Cheerios expressed a desire for human flesh – eat them before they eat you! (Jameson)

—Cheerios contains 98% less tiger meat than Frosted Flakes. (Matt)

—A bowl a day helps men develop their own "honey nut." (Mike)

—It's entirely possible that 50 years from now, the only people left alive will be the people who ate Cheerios regularly. You can't disprove it! (Jameson)

—Tossing several handfuls into the wind will lay down a trail that will lead you to long-buried pirate treasure. (Brandon)

—Heath Ledger stopped eating Cheerios on the day he died. Coincidence? Our scientists say no. (Matt)

—If Buckner had eaten his Cheerios, the Sox would have won it all in '86. (Joe)

—Cures a little-documented affliction called "Cheerioitis," the main symptom of which is not having eaten Cheerios recently. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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