Feb 27, 2009

Last week, President Barack Obama and the U.S. Congress signed the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 into law. The $787 billion stimulus package contains provisions intended to provide tax relief, and help with health care, education, energy, and housing. But there were additional provisions in the bill that didn't get as much media attention...

Lesser-Known Provisions in the New Economic Stimulus Package

—Once a week, the government will literally give you a penny for your thoughts. (Joe)

—Free health care for all who suffer from Obamamania. (Mike)

—$100 million to be donated toward the creation of 100 new "Slumdog Millionaires" here in the U.S. (in your face, India!). (Brandon)

—Remember the Six Million Dollar Man? There's money in there for like eight more of him. (Matt)

—In an effort to make everyone feel more at ease with the increasing number of homeless people, all hobos will receive a tailored suit from Men's Wearhouse. (Brad)

—Emergency funding to determine who in the hell would watch syndicated episodes of Becker. (Mike)

—U.S. Mint to encourage consumer spending by replacing portraits of Presidents and Founding Fathers on paper money with pictures of wildly unpopular personalities like Chris Brown and the "Octo-Mom", hoping such a change will make people want to get rid of their money faster. (Joe)

—$16 million to be set aside for the sculpting and shaping of Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke's beard. (Matt)

—Buy one foreclosed house, get one free! (Brad)

—Money to purchase CSI-style ultraviolet light technology for the White House in order to find and remove any remaining "Clinton stains." (Brandon)

—The Viagrafication of Our Drinking Waters Act (to put a little stimulus in everybody's package). (Matt)

—Buried in the fine print is an assurance that if the current economic downturn becomes a depression that lasts longer than ten years, we'll start another war with the Japs and the Krauts. (Joe)

—Voucher for each and every American to give the CEO of the Northern Trust Corporation a swift kick to the balls. (Mike)

—Mistress expenses are now tax-deductible. (Brad)

—Foreclosed homes will now be "liquidated" by satellites left over from the Star Wars Program. (Matt)

—Plan to put hero pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger out to stud, thus creating a new generation of "everyday heroes" who will save America by the year 2035. (Brandon)

—As part of the bank nationalization plan, the first customer to secure a loan at a participating bank will immediately become the CEO of that bank. (Brad)

—Partial funding of the Barney Frank Is Kind of Right, But Also Kind of an Asshole Institute. (Mike)

—Whenever anyone uses any of the phrases "that's so money," "money in the bank," or "show me the money," they will receive a stimulus payment in the mail, as these statements have been certified to increase consumer spending. (Matt)

—Massive buildup of crushing debt to be passed on to your grandchildren (that's okay, though; the way things are going, it's a virtual certainty that your grandchildren will be dicks). (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Mike Wagner

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