Poop Reading - Better Ways to End Long Speeches at the Oscars

Better Ways to End Long Speeches at the Oscars

—After an acceptance speech crests one-minute, the glass case keeping Ted Nugent from his crossbow is removed by accountants from the firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers. (Mike)

—All awards will be accepted by Joaquin Phoenix, which should limit the speeches to "Thanks," "Yep," or "You think this is a joke?" (Brad)

—The winner with the longest speech has to spend a day at Mickey Rooney's house listening to rambling, sexually explicit stories about his eight marriages. (Brandon)

—Instead of "WRAP IT UP," TelePrompTer should display a naked picture of Harvey Fierstein on a burro. (Jameson)

—By mutual agreement among all nominees and the current office-holder, the winner who speaks the longest will be forced to become the new governor of California. (Sean)

—Some sort of podium catapult... podapult? Catapodium? We'll iron out the details in time for next year's Oscars, don't you worry. (Joe)

—All awards will be handed out by an increasingly drunk and incontinent Gary Busey, who will linger uncomfortably close to the podium while muttering profanities. (Matt)

—Host the ceremony on a sinking ice floe. (Jameson)

—Announcement to all nominees that once they mention their agent, publicist, and other people nobody cares about, Montecore, the white bengal tiger that tried to kill Roy Horn, will wander out onto the stage. (Mike)

—Since he's already in the front row, Jack Nicholson will attempt to lob fast-acting tranquilizers from his personal stash into the mouths of winners who begin to bore him. (Sean)

—Shortest speech of the night gets a sip of whatever's in Mickey Rourke's right jacket pocket. (Longest speech has to eat whatever's in the left pocket.) (Jameson)

—As soon as a winner goes over their alloted time, a platform raises Clint Eastwood from the orchestra pit to glower at them menacingly. (Brandon)

—Every use of the phrases "I don't know what to say," "I'd like to thank the Academy," or "My fellow nominees" will result in the relentless beating of three Ronald McDonald House children backstage. (Matt)

—Do they still make those novelty oversized Vaudeville hooks for dragging people offstage? (And, if not, isn't that industry due for a little stimulus-package rejuvenation?) (Jameson)

—Anyone speaking for too long runs the risk of having their Oscar taken away and replaced with a Tickle Me Elmo. (Sean)

—Anyone speaking for too long will be "chimp-slapped." (Joe)

—Violators will be escorted off the stage by a thong-wearing Danny DeVito. (Brad)

—Encourage shorter speeches with a new policy: if you thank more than ten people, two of the people you mention will be selected at random for assassination. (Jameson)

—If, when the band starts to play, the winners petulantly ask for more time, they are viciously sacked by Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. (Mike)

—As soon as a winner starts speaking, Vanna White will begin turning letter and number tiles Wheel of Fortune-style that reveal said winner's email address and home phone number. (Matt)

—Put out word that overlong acceptance speeches really rub Christian Bale the wrong way, then position him in the front row. (Jameson)

—Instead of the usual playing-off music, the orchestra will play the opening of Beethoven's Fifth, while host Hugh Jackman turns on his mic and sings "Nobody cares! Nobody cares!" (Sean)

—Winner who gives the longest speech will be forcibly and legally married to that crazy octuplets mom. (Best Actress nominee Angelina Jolie is not eligible.) (Brandon)

—Don't allow nominees to get out of the limo – just toss their awards through the window as they pass by. (Jameson)

—Remind everyone that the Academy doesn't take kindly to three things: gay cowboys, Johnny Cash biopics, and long acceptance speeches. And we've all seen what happened to the cowboy and that Cash impersonator. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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Better Ways to End Long Speeches at the Oscars