Baron von Funny


Feb 13, 2009

It was recently revealed that in 2003, when Major League Baseball conducted anonymous testing for performance enhancers, Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids. Earlier this week, A-Rod finally corroborated the story, admitting that he used steroids from 2001-03, when he played for the Texas Rangers. And once the floodgates were open, the confessions didn't stop there..

Additional Past Transgressions Alex Rodriguez Admitted to This Week

—After signing his $252 million contract, he bought a house he could not afford and single-handedly broke the real estate market. (Mike)

—He used to claim that he "never watches TV" when, in fact, he watches tons of TV. (Joe)

—He and Madonna did some unspeakable things with a fungo bat. (Brandon)

—As a teenager in the late '80s, frequently placed bets on whether or not Pete Rose was betting on baseball. (Jameson)

—By voting for himself in the 2000 Presidental Election, he probably cost Al Gore the state of Florida. (Matt)

—Despite the numerous witnesses and the fact that he was only five years old at the time, it was he, not Mark David Chapman, who shot John Lennon. (Sean)

—He's been using Derek Jeter's glove to "pleasure himself" for the past three seasons. (Brad)

—Once injected steroids into his TV, hoping to make it a widescreen HDTV. (Jameson)

—Superstitiously made his wife dress up as Babe Ruth every time they had sex during the 2007 playoffs. (Matt)

—Wrote, directed, and produced Hotel For Dogs. (Sean)

—Once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. (Jameson)

—Convinced Jason Giambi that "Golden showers bring May flowers." (Matt)

—Ali Torre? Nailed her. (Mike)

—Don Zimmer? Nailed him. (Mike)

—Once missed a game because he got lost in his own eyes for several hours. (Matt)

—A particularly bad case of roid rage around Christmas 2002 caused him to visit an orphanage and "go all Grinch on their asses." (Brandon)

—He had breast augmentation surgery because he was jealous of the attention his wife was getting from him. (Matt)

—Once spanked it to a picture of Coretta Scott King. (Jameson)

—He was the one who convinced George Lucas to bring Jar-Jar back for Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones. (Joe)

—Taught a group of underprivileged kids from the Bronx that 2+2 equals A-Rod. (Matt)

—While with the Rangers, he found a bunch of old incriminating documents from George W. Bush's years at Harken Energy, stuff that really would've changed the way Bush's presidency was regarded and might've even prevented the Iraq war. But Rodriguez ate the documents... and, as usual, he choked. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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