Baron von Funny


Jan 30, 2009

Joe Torre's upcoming tell-all The Yankee Years made headlines this week as it was revealed that the book contained passages that blast the Yankees – calling many of his former players prima donnas, charging that general manager Brian Cashman betrayed him, and detailing Alex Rodriguez's obsession with Derek Jeter and how teammates called Rodriguez "A-Fraud." But the controversy and surprises don't stop there...

Other Revelations in Joe Torre's Upcoming Book The Yankee Years

—Jorge Posada suffered from a severe, psychologically-based case of erectile dysfunction that went into embarrassingly graphic remission whenever Ron Guidry was in the locker room. (Mike)

—The haunting passage detailing George Steinbrenner's mandatory "Old Movies and Foot Rub Night." (Sean)

—Randy Johnson has what can only be described as a "pube mullet." (Joe)

—Once, while high on mescaline, former GM Bob Watson tried to trade Tino Martinez and John Wetteland to the Dodgers for "the ethereal spirit of God." (Brandon)

—Boys have a penis, Melky Cabrera has a pineapple-shaped probing rod. (Matt)

—You know how on the days he pitched, Roger Clemens would always rub the forehead of Babe Ruth's plaque in Monument Park? Well, no one knows how it's even possible, but the plaque's hat size grew by two inches during those years, and its unseen testicles shrunk. (Brad)

—One chapter consists entirely of additional witty Alex Rodriguez nicknames, including: A-Wad, A-Clod, A-Broad, and A-I-Dislike-You-Intensely. (Jameson)

—Andy Pettitte not only looks like a horse, he makes love like one too. (Joe)

—Famed "mystique" at old Yankee Stadium was actually just mild hallucinations caused by ever-present odor of rat urine. (Brandon)

—Bobby Abreu pees sitting down. (Joe)

—David Wells poops standing up. (Mike)

—Hideki Matsui can speak perfect English, but only if he talks really fast and barely moves his lips. (Sean)

—On the inside – where it counts – Don Zimmer is the most beautiful man you will ever meet. (Joe)

—Luis Sojo's ass sometimes doubled as a vegetable juicer. (Matt)

—That prologue that renowned Irish tenor Ronan Tynan always adds to his seventh-inning stretch rendition of "God Bless America"? It's actually lyrics stolen from Ghostface Killah. (Brandon)

—Despite repeated pleas from management and staff, George Steinbrenner stubbornly refused to switch the shape of Yankee Stadium's concession stand nachos from triangular to the far superior round. (Joe)

—Torre had to intervene when Jason Giambi watched The Natural one night and showed up the next morning insisting on using a homemade bat constructed entirely of empty paper towel rolls. (Sean)

—If you ever ate a sandwich from the Yankee clubhouse postgame spread between 1991 and 2006, then my friend, you ate a sandwich that Bernie Williams rubbed his scrotum on. (Joe)

—Toward the end of his time with the Yankees, Paul O'Neill was around 30% used parts from an old Chevy Nova. (Brandon)

—Derek Jeter? Virgin. (Joe)

—Remember 6-foot-7 Australian pitcher Graeme Lloyd? Yeah, he didn't make it into the book. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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