Baron von Funny


Jan 9, 2009

College football's Bowl Championship Series is once again embroiled in controversy, a seemingly annual event. Even after Florida beat Oklahoma Thursday night to win the FedEx BCS National Championship Game and the theoretical title, many are arguing that the Texas Longhorns deserve consideration, and earlier this week, the Washington Post's John Feinstein argued on behalf of the undefeated Utah Utes. Surely there's a better way to do this.

Better Ways to Pick a College Football Champion

—March Madness-style tournament of battles between the literal, real-life versions of school mascots. (Brandon)

—National champion to be determined by a vote in the House of Commons (and Heisman Trophy to be determined by a vote in the House of Lords). (Joe)

—Award it to the university that's home to the most co-eds from the Girls Gone Wild series. (Brad)

—Invent a supercomputer that can watch video footage of all games and judge definitively which team has more "heart" and "grit." Eventually this technology will be adapted for the awarding of Oscars, the electing of presidents, and the selection of menu items at Taco Bell. (Jameson)

—Talk to Blagojevich, he knows how to get shit done. (Matt)

—Let the Dalai Lama pick: what can I say, the man knows college football. (Mike)

—Put the championship trophy in a big, open field and let the teams chase after it on horseback, a la the Great Land Rush of 1893. (Brandon)

Revenge of the Nerds-style decathlon, complete with burping contest and drunken tricycle relay. (Brad)

Us Weekly poll. (Matt)

—Sacrifice a goat, burn its flesh, and leave its entrails to dry in the sun for two weeks. Then award the prize to whichever team's mascot is most resembled by the dessicated innards. (Jameson)

—Give it to whichever team's coach is fattest, just to see how fat the coaches of top programs would attempt to get. (Joe)

—Two words: Judge Judy. (Mike)

—Two words: chili cook-off. (Jameson)

—Two words: pooping contest. (Brandon)

—Lock all the talking-head sports pundits in a room together and don't let them out until they devise the perfect bowl/playoff arrangement. Worst case, at least all the sports pundits are locked away for a few weeks. (Jameson)

—Until someone from another team can successfully pin their longhorn steer mascot, Texas is national champion. (Brad)

—Did someone just declare a thumb war? (Matt)

—Have the head coaches of teams in consideration compete in an old fashioned nut-kickoff, hereafter referred to as the RCS (Rochambeau Championship Series). (Brad)

—Let players from the BCS Top 25 teams take turns gut-punching Lee Corso; damn if I know how it's going to settle anything, but it'll sure be fun to watch. (Brandon)

—Force the winner of the BCS Championship Game to play against any team that challenges them in writing. (Jameson)

—First coach to answer one of those "Train A and Train B" math questions takes the title. (Matt)

—Let that Rudy kid do it. Everybody sure loves that Rudy kid. (Brandon)

—Settle it the way God intended disputes to be settled: Pictionary. (Joe)

—Appoint a national Football Czar who reports directly to Congress and have him assemble a blue ribbon panel to develop guidelines for looking into it. (Jameson)

—Whichever team has a player that can turn into a werewolf but chooses to win without "wolfing out," and in the process learns a little something about life and a little something about love – they're the champs. Then everyone will do the Wolf Dance, and it will be glorious. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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