Dec 26, 2008

As Father Time once again passes the baton to Baby New Year, we take a moment to remember the year gone by...

Memorable Moments from 2008 That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Shocking many nationwide, the state of California votes to make gay marriage not only legal, but mandatory. (Joe)

—Fervently-celebrating U.S. citizens topple a statue of George W. Bush. (Mike)

—Cloris Leachman cashes in on the sex appeal she displayed on Dancing With The Stars by appearing as Playboy's Playmate of the Year. (Matt)

—Housing prices plummet to the point that hobos can afford condos in Ft. Lauderdale, but hobos are too smart for that. (Jameson)

—Mexico erects a giant fence and posts an armed border patrol to keep out poor Americans who've lost their asses in the stock market. (Sean)

—Bill Gates announces that he is stepping down from his role as Chairman of Microsoft to concentrate on replacing Bear Grylls as host of the Discovery Channel's Man vs. Wild. (Brandon)

—The moving sight of Obama and McCain walking hand-in-hand into the final presidential debate. (Brad)

—Todd Palin accidentally follows Tina Fey home and crawls into bed with her. (Jameson)

—The Nintendo Pii revolutionizes the way the world urinates. (Matt)

—Best Picture favorites No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood suffer a stunning defeat at the hands of the Ice Cube sequel Are We Done Yet?. (Joe)

—The Minnesota Vikings start the season terribly, improve just enough to win back the attention and hope of their fans, only to plunge into a vortex of suck at the end of the season. (Oh wait, that's still happening!) (Mike)

—Internal memos from NBC reveal that Michael Phelps was completely CGI'd. (Sean)

—George Bush pulls off his face and reveals that he's actually Larry David, thus making the last eight years the greatest political satire ever. (Matt)

—Heath Ledger's heroic posthumous rescue of a dozen kittens from a burning orphanage while brokering peace in the Middle East. (Jameson)

—Keith Olbermann's on-air proposal to Barack Obama. (Mike)

—Wall Street execs are robbed while walking to a local bank branch to cash their ridiculously oversized $70 billion bailout check. (Sean)

—After having his green ambitions spurned by politicians, T. Boone Pickens turns the entire state of Oklahoma into a wind turbine farm and uses the energy to power his Coleco Electric Football game. (Matt)

—Jennifer Aniston's obsession with ex-husband Brad Pitt reaches its boiling point when she begins kidnapping and eating his adopted children. (Jameson)

—Baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez leaves his wife for aging celebrity vixen Elizabeth Taylor. (Brandon)

—U.S. Government issues IRS Stimulant Checks, promising 24 ecstasy tablets for individuals, 120 dime bags for joint filers, and 60 crack rocks for each qualifying child. (Matt)

—After agreeing to bail out the American automakers, Congress receives pleas from other defunct industries, such as the rotary telephone builders, powdered wig makers, and novelty peanut brittle snake-in-a-can manufacturers. (Jameson)

—During his Labor Day telethon, Jerry Lewis is caught farting right next to a sick kid and then wafting the smell in the kid's direction with a folded-up newspaper. (Joe)

—Barack Obama attributes his election victory to George Washington, who Obama reincarnated into a talking wooden penis that he kept in his pocket during every debate. (Matt)

—Due to his overwhelming success the past eight years, George W. Bush is appointed King by Congress, which then promptly dissolves itself. (Sean)

—Scientists at CERN fire up their new Large Hadron Collider, which seems to quietly shut down a few days later but actually propels us all into a parallel universe where giant banks fail, black guys get elected president, and Mickey Rourke is taken seriously as an actor. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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