Dec 12, 2008

This week, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by federal authorities on corruption charges, including an allegation that he conspired to essentially sell President-elect Barack Obama’s seat in the U.S. Senate to the highest bidder. Among the rewards Blagojevich was reportedly seeking were an appointment as Secretary of Health and Human Services, the head of a private foundation or multi-million-dollar non-profit, and a lucrative spot on a corporate board for his wife Patti. But his demands didn't stop there...

Additional Demands Made by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

—Federal law stating that each time he cuts the ribbon to open a mall, he gets to nail Eva Longoria. (Mike)

—Mandatory five-year jail sentence for anyone caught making fun of his given name, Milorad. (Brad)

—Every member of Obama's new cabinet must start spelling his or her last name with a silent "j." (Joe)

—Tasteful nude-except-for-a-well-placed-tie photo spread like the one Jennifer Aniston just did for GQ. (Brandon)

—May-July 2009 to be christened "The Summer of Blagojevich." (Jameson)

—New Illinois senator must ensure that any new bill introduced in Congress contains the rider "That's what she said." (Sean)

—His own radio show: "Rod and Rod in the Morning," featuring himself and Rod Stewart. (Matt)

—His name on a building at the University of Chicago – and not the trash incinerator this time! (Jameson)

—A monthly stipend and private limo for his hairdo. (Joe)

—Pay-per-view "Governor-Off" between him and Schwarzeneggar. (Brandon)

—Sweet-ass invisible plane like Wonder Woman has. (Jameson)

—All U.S. currency to include the statement "In Rod We Trust." (Brad)

—Dinner with Andre. (Matt)

—All internet blogs must be renamed "blagojeviches." (Jameson)

—Walk-on role in adult film as "Governor Rod Blowjobevich." (Joe)

—To never have to pay Tuesday for a hamburger today. (Sean)

—To be able to shit in the mouth of a random Illinoisan once daily with no legal repercussions. (Mike)

—Annual governors' picnic group photo must be arranged in order of whose name yields the highest Scrabble score. (Jameson)

—Washington Monument to be renamed Blagojevich's Rod. (Brandon)

—"Gossip Girl" writing staff must have Blair and Chuck finally get together, and never ever break up. (Joe)

—That Chicago-area eateries stop laughing in his face when he asks if they'll name a sandwich after him. (Jameson)

—Phone number of that governor-loving chick Eliot Spitzer was doinking. (Brandon)

—Right to move the Illinois capitol from that shithole Springfield to that hellhole Chicago. (Brad)

—NFL must adopt his trademark "Hair Helmet" for all players, despite the fact that Consumer Reports has proven they're only 10% actual Blagojevich hair and 90% filler (horse hair, shredded newspaper and recycled diapers). (Matt)

—That President-elect Obama name him Secretary of Awesome. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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