Nov 21, 2008

This week, People Magazine named Hugh Jackman their Sexiest Man Alive for 2008. He'll soon learn the job isn't all smiles and sunshine...

Pros and Cons of Being the Sexiest Man Alive

—Must induce at least fifteen spontaneous expressions of "Damn!" per visit to any beach, or risk losing the title. (Mike)

—Mandatory contribution to Sexiest Man sperm bank, ensuring that sexiness will never become extinct. (Brad)

—Creepiness factor of letters from Mom always being addressed to "Sexiest Son Alive." (Sean)

—It's still unclear why, but he's the only person allowed to pee in the Stanley Cup. (Joe)

—Seems likely that upcoming promotional appearance for ABC's faltering Dirty Sexy Money with the Dirtiest Man Alive and the Moniest Man Alive will end in disaster. (Jameson)

—Must polish Robert Duvall's shoes once a week, because he was "sexy before sexy was cool." (Matt)

—The Sexiest Man Alive meal at Applebee's really skimps on the fries. (Brandon)

—Must pummel and maim the faces of any and all other men he meets, in a desperate attempt to retain the title for another year. (Joe)

—Must simultaneously fend off inevitable pretenders to the throne, seeking to overthrow him by flinging acid in his face. (Jameson)

—Doesn't matter how sexy you are, somebody's gonna put up a stink about your gravy drinkin' habit. (Matt)

—For reasons we are legally prevented from explaining, the Sexiest Man Alive must work as Ed Asner's "ass double." (Mike)

—At annual Sexiest Man Alive retreat, the most recent awardee has to bring the refreshments. (Joe)

—Eligible to receive complimentary copy of Sexiest Man Alive home game to play with friends and family. (Brandon)

—Recent economic downturn has pushed chest-wax prices through the roof. (Sean)

—Frightening deterioration of Nick Nolte has almost completely devalued the honor. (Brad)

—Required to make monthly attempt to turn Lindsay Lohan straight again. (Mike)

—For the duration of his reign, is no longer required to make a final "prove it" shot in order to win a game of H-O-R-S-E. (Joe)

—Can use People magazine cover as a photo ID when travelling, or as proof that he is indeed alive. (Jameson)

—Likelihood that former one-night stands will now find out that you weren't really horribly disfigured in a flame-broiling accident that forced you to suddenly move to Paraguay. (Matt)

—Must spend a lot of time doing charity work for the downtrodden men of other, less-sexy nations. (Joe)

—Responsible for tending flowers at the gravesite of the Sexiest Man Dead: Dwight D. Eisenhower. (Mike)

—Alarming connection between Sexiest Man Alive award and Craziest Man Alive award, thanks to winner overlap among Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, and Nick Nolte. (Matt)

—Most major freeways now feature "People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive Only" lanes. (Joe)

—Contractual obligation to make one-time attempt to procreate with previous year's Sexiest Man Alive in continued quest to create the Sexiest Sexiest Man Alive. (Matt)

—Rivalry with The New Yorker's "Literary Hottie of the Year" gets pretty intense. (Brandon)

—Must be available to glisten shirtless in the sun at least 18 hours a week, regardless of season. (Sean)

—Allowed to star in one dull, meandering historical epic without penalty. (Jameson)

—If you get too sexy, they'll take you out JFK Jr.-style. (Matt)

—Let's just say the Sexiest Man Alive title creates a lot of hoopla to live up to when it comes to the Mrs., if you know what I mean. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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